Aviation Jokes — most commented jokes

There was a cargo shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa.

It suddenly had a malfunction, and crashed in the jungle.

A few days later, Pepsi sent a rescue plane to search for the plane and crew.

They found the wreckage, but were not able to locate the crew.

They searched the area and met with a tribe of cannibals.

They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.

The Chief nods and simply says, "Yes...seen plane crash".

When asked where the crew was, the Cheif replyed, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi!"

The Rescue crew was shocked. Another man asked, "Did you eat their legs?"

The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi!"

Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?"

The Chief said, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Peps!"

Finally, another rescuer had to ask, "Did you..you know...eat their...things?"

The cheif says, "NO, you idoit!"... even cannibals know that...

"THINGS go better with Coke!"

If airlines sold paint...

- Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

- Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

- Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

- Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

- Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

- Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

- Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.

- Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

- Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.

- Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

- Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?

- Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

- Customer: You've got to be &%^#@ kidding!

- Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

- Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

- Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.

- Customer: The price went up as we were talking?

- Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?

- Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.

- Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

- Customer: WHAT?

- Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.

- Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!

- Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.

- Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!

- Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.

- Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a liter" signs?

- Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.

- Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!

- Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.

- Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!

- Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.

- Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.

- Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.

- Customer: You're insane!

- Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.

One day John decides to invite Mark on a trip on his private jet. Whilst on this luxury aeroplane Mark asks where the toilet is. John shows him and says to him "inside there are 3 buttons, whatever you do don't press the third one." Mark proceeds to the toilet and does his business. Whilst sitting on the toilet he presses the first button. Suddenly his privates are cleaned thoroughly. He enjoys this and presses the second button. Dryers appear and dry his privates. He is intrigued to find out what button 3 does, so he pushes it. The next thing Mark sees is John staring at him....."what happened?" Mark asks shakily. "Well you pressed the third button and now you are in hospital." "Why do my privates hurt so bad?" Mark asked anxiously.

John replies "Well you activated the automatic tampon remover."

Top twenty new slogans for Valuejet Airlines:

• ValueJet: When you just can't wait for the world to come to you.
• ValueJet: We're Amtrak with wings.
• Join our frequent near-miss program.
• On flights, every section is a smoking section.
• Ask about our out-of-court settlements.
• Our staff has had lots of experience consoling next-of-kin.
• Are our jet engines too noisy? Don't worry. We'll turn them off.
• Complimentary champagne during free-fall.
• Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.
• The kids will love our inflatable slides.
• You think it's so easy, get your own plane!
• Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?
• Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose.
• ValueJet: We may be landing on your street.
• ValueJet: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.
• Bring a bathing suit.
• Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We try to get as close as possible for the best view.
• That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots.
• Fly ValueJet. Find out there really is a God.
• ValueJet: A real man lands where he wants to.

The Top 10 signs you're flying on a bad airline:

• The engine's being held on by duct tape.
• You see the Gorilla from those old Samsonite commercials running loose up and down the aisles.
• In-flight movie has "Ernest" in its title.
• Pilot informs you that you're at cruising altitude and he's gonna put the top down.
• Instead of Peanuts, you get a healthy helping of SPAM.
• As you're taking off, the stewardess mentions the phrase "Guest Pilot Program".
• The seats are wet due to flotation device moisture.
• The stewardess asks you to join the Mile High Club..."she" has a beard and bigger arms than you!
• Pilot asks if there is anyone else who wants a shot of Beam before he finishes the bottle.
• You look down and see a copy of "Fixing a Plane for Dummies" by the mechanic's feet!!!

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomania Convention in Chicago".

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he said, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern redneck."

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba.."

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes mind if I ask how you got yours?"

The other guy says, "Well, it just happened, it was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'....so she socked me a good one."

The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue-twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'You have ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed bitch.'"

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

"Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep in the river, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "Pierre, what in the hell do you think you're doing??!"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

The flight was coming into Dallas when a combination of mechanical errors and unstable weather caused the plane to start plummeting to the ground! The pilot feverishly worked his controls, and finally, the engines roared back to life in time to prevent the plane from crashing!

As the plane landed, airport officials rushed to the disembarking gate and were stunned to see 200 midgets shakily get off the plane. Finally the crew got off the plane and the local manager of the airline came up to congratulate him on his perseverance under extreme odds. As the official and the pilot were talking, the official commented how unusual it was that there were so many midgets on the flight.

"Those weren't midgets," the pilot replied. "Those were Texans with all the shit scared out of them!"

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."