At Work — most commented jokes

Once there were four engineers traveling in a car. While they were traveling to their destination the car stalled on them. Then the first engineer who was a mechanical engineer said, "don't worry its probably engine problems. I will just pop open the hood and take a look at the motor".

Then the second engineer, who was an electrical engineer, said, "no, no ,no. It is an electrical problem. Just let me look at the fuse box and I will find the problem".

The third engineer, who was a chemical engineer, said, "its just a problem with the fuel. Flush out all of the gas and replace it with new gas and you will see that the car will be fine."

Then the three engineers looked at the fourth who was a computer engineer. And his response was... "Why don't we just get out of the car, shut all of the doors, and then open them again and get back in and start it!"

If ya really want that new job, you may want to avoid saying these:

• "You could do worse."
• "I'll work so hard you won't even know I'm there."
• "I'll need all my paid vacation time up front so I'll be rested when I start."
• "You can't turn me down because I smell bad. You have to have a reason."
• "If you call the people I listed as references, please call my parole officer last."
• "That big thing growing on my face isn't my fault."
• "I don't do drugs at work any more. And I probably won't"
• "I can go all day without peeing once."
• "If you hired my dumbass brother then you can surely hire me."
• "If you hire me I promise not to say anything about the your wicked bad breath."
• "I won't sue you when you fire me."
• "My arrest record is all a bunch of lies."
• "Iff you kin reed my handriting, ain't that gud enuff fer me to get the job?"
• "I was a sniper in the Army."
• "The only reason my grades in High School was so bad was because all the teachers thought I was stupid because I didn't pass the tests. They wasn't being fair to me because they don't like me."
• "I can make explosives from Windex, white-out, and copy machine toner."
• "If you hire me you can blow your nose on my sleeve any time you want to."
• "I'll need a company car and a driver because I can't legally drive anywhere in the Western Hemisphere except Cuba and it sucks to go there."
• "If you hire me don't tell the Welfare until I get my Jeep paid off."
• "The sticky stuff on my sleeve isn't what you think."
• "You don't have the BALLS to hire someone like me!"
• "If you hire me I will show up. That's all I can promise for sure, but maybe it will be better than that and I will sure try."
• "When do we eat?"
• "How long do I have to work here before I can collect unemployment again?"
• "Don't go checking into my record, but if you do, she swore she was 18."
• "I don't hear the voices anymore. Do not. Do not. Do not. SHUT UP!!!"
• "If you give me a job you're OK but if you don't you suck."
• "I don't DO applications."
• "If I work here I'll wear the stupid uniform as long as I can wear any kind of underwear I want."
• "This will be my first job since the Beatles broke up because they really pissed me off!"
• "I won't have to do anything, will I"
• "If I get sick on the job, will I have to clean up my own puke?"
• "Can I bring my goat to the company daycare center?"
• "I collect guns. You probably want to tell me that I got the job now, right?"
• "I'm not what? Oh yeah? Well here's what you can do with your friggin' job..."

What kind of drugs are mail carriers not tested for?
→ SPEED!

A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear.

He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear?

In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims, "Damn, some asshole has my pen!"

Why did Smokey the Bear never have any children?
→ When his wife got hot, he beat her with a shovel.

Why don't they let government workers look out the window in the morning?
→ So they will have something to do in the afternoon.

A girl criticized my apartment so I knocked her flat.

The first civilian on the shuttle was an English teacher. Now she's history.

Things You'd Love to Say at Work!

1. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
2. Do I look like a people person?
3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting!
4. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
5. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
6. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
7. You!... Off my planet.
8. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
9. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
10. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
11. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
12. Allow me to introduce my selves.
13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
14. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
15. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
16. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
17. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
18. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
19. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
20. Chaos, Panic, and Disorder ... My work here is done.
21. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
22. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

The male sexual organ requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:

• has to work hard
• has to work at great depths
• has to work upside down
• has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work
• has to work in a high humidity environment
• has to work at high temperatures
• does not get weekends and holidays off
• does not get time off after extra hours of work
• has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness

Request DENIED for the following reasons:

• does not work 8 hours in a row
• does not answer immediately to all requests
• does not have a degree
• after a short activity period, falls asleep at work
• shows no fidelity to the workplace
• retires too early
• does not work at all unless pushed from behind
• does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work

Morris the loudmouth mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes.

Morris shouts across the garage, "Hey DeBakey! Is that you? Come on over here a minute!" The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car.

Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at this here work. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me is doing basically the same work?"

Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic...

"Now try doing it with the engine running!"

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad, and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking, "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?" Tom says, "I would switch one train to another track."

"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector. "I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever," answers Tom.

"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector. "Then," Tom continues, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."

"What if the phone was busy?" "In that case," Tom argues, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station".

"What if that had been vandalized?" "Oh, well," says Tom, "in that case I'd run into town and get my Uncle Leo."

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"

"Because he's never seen a train crash!"

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!"

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator.

"Wow," he said. "Just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"