At Work — most commented jokes

A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin."

This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.

She responded:

My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, 'It's gonna be great!'

My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.

My third husband was from Field Services and constantly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he just couldn't get the system up.

My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, Those who can, do; those who can't, teach.

My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department and said that he had the orders, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.

My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job.

My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.

My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, 'I know I have the product. I'm just not sure how to position it.'

My tenth husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.

My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.

My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was -- God I miss him!

So now I have married a lawyer, so I know I'm going to get screwed!

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the supermarket.

A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some idiot out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce."

As he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half".

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"

The boy replied, "Canada, sir".

"Oh, really? Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."

"My wife is from Canada!!"

The boy replied, "Really?? What team did she play for?"

There were two guys who had gone to the same college and become great friends. During college, they had a great time. Anything that was going on, they were always right in the middle of it. When they graduated, however, they each went their own separate way.

Two or three years later, they ran into one another on the street. They were very happy to see each other and, during the conversation, one of them asked the other what he was doing for work.

"I'm an undertaker," responded the friend.

"That doesn't sound like you. During college, you were always the one looking for excitement."

"There is plenty of excitement in this racket," said his friend. "Just the other day, I got a call to pick up this stiff in a hotel room. When I entered the room, he was laying there on the bed, stark naked, with a huge erection. I didn't want to take him out like that, so I took a hanger from the closet, and gave it a good swat... You want to talk about excitement! I WAS IN THE WRONG ROOM!!!"

• A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
• After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
• Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
• Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
• If at first you don't succeed, don't try again: quit. No use being a complete fool about it.
• If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
• It doesn't matter what you do; it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
• The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
• There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
• When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
• You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

• Accountants do it with Double Entry
• Acupuncturists do it with a small prick
• Ambulance drivers come quicker
• Australians do it Down Under
• Bach did it using the organ
• Bankers do it with interest
• Bartenders do it on the Rocks
• Batman does it using his Robin
• Bookkeepers do it for the record
• Bosses delegate the task to others
• Chess players check their Mates
• Cops do it with cuffs
• DJs do it on request
• Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure
• Dentists do it orally
• Detectives do it under cover
• Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers
• Elevator men do it up and down
• Engineers do it to specifications
• Engineers do it to a first order approximation
• Firemen do it with a big hose
• Frank Sinatra does it his way
• Garbagemen come twice a week
• Gardeners do it on the bushes
• Gas attendants Pump all day
• Golfers do it in 18 holes
• Landlords do it every 1st of the month
• Managers make others do it
• Marketing reps do it on commission
• Pizza delivery man comes in 30 minutes or it's free
• Teachers do it with class
• Waiters and waitresses do it for tips
• Zoologists do it with animals

A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat. . . .

- He: I'm sorry honey but I'm up to my neck in work today

- She: But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear.

- He: OK darling, but since I've got no time now, just give me the good news, OK?

- She: Well, the air bag works...

A gal comes in for her interview with the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive her application.

As the executive begins to scan her resume, he notices that she has been fired from every job she's ever held.

"I must say," says the executive, "your work history is terrible. You've been fired from every job."

"Yes," says the lady.

"Well," continues the executive, "there's not much positive in that."

"Well," says the woman as she pokes the application. "At least I'm not a quitter!"

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a highly agitated, arrogant little man who ran a small business that he had started from scratch.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"How's that?" the would be accountant asked.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much will my position pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty five thousand," responded the owner decisively.

"Eighty five thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry. Now get to fuckin' work!"

This particular Wizard worked in a modern factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants took advantage of his good nature, and would steal his parking spot.

This continued until he put up the following effective sign:

This parking space belongs to the Wizard.... Violators will be toad!

Chatting with a bull, a turkey sighed and said, "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, the turkey reached the second branch. Finally, after a week, there he was, proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon, though, the turkey was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey from the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there!