At Work — most commented jokes

Random joke from this category

Hair Compliment

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and says what's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?

The woman replies, "He's a midget"!

Phrases For Work

48 Phrases you wish you could say at work!

  1. Ahhh... I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
  2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
  3. How about never? Is never good for you?
  4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
  5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
  6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
  7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
  8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
  9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
  10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
  11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
  12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
  13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
  14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
  15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
  16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
  17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
  18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
  19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
  20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
  21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
  22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
  23. No, my powers can only be used for good.
  24. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
  25. Who me? I just wander from room to room
  26. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
  27. Do I look like a people person?
  28. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
  29. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
  30. You!... Off my planet!
  31. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
  32. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
  33. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
  34. Allow me to introduce my selves.
  35. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
  36. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
  37. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
  38. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
  39. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
  40. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
  41. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?
  42. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
  43. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
  44. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
  45. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
  46. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
  47. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
  48. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Rules For Your Boss

Rules For Work: (Should go over well with your boss.)

Print it out and hang it over your work station...

I dare ya!

  1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
  2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.
  3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
  4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
  5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic.
  6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
  7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
  8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
  9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
  10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
  11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
  12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
  13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

The New CEO

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!

The CEO, walks up the guy and asks - "and how much money do you make a week?"

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams - "here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks - "does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters - "Pizza delivery guy".

The Open Barracks Door

MR. SMITH got himself a new secretary.

She was young, sweet and pretty.

One day, while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.

When leaving the room she said, "Oh, Mr. Smith, did you know your barracks door is open?"

He did not understand her remark, but later he happened to look down and saw his zipper was open.

He decided to have some fun with his new secretary. Calling her in he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary who was quite witty said, "Why no Mr. Smith.

All I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags."

The Lumberjack

A LARGE, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack.

The very next day, a skinny little guy showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to scram.

"Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.

"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack.

"Take your axe and go cut it down!"

The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," said the little man.

The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.

"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.

The little man laughed and answered back...

"Oh sure, that's what they call it now!"

Where's The Manager

A rather attractive woman goes up to the cash register in a restaurant. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.

"Are you the owner?" she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies. "I'm just the manager."

"Can you get him for me? - I need to speak to him." she asks, running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't", breathes the manager - clearly aroused, "he's in the back doing some work right now. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message." she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him" she says - "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room!"

Things To Say At Work

  1. I can see your point, but you're still full of crap.
  2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronouce.
  3. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
  4. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
  5. Ahh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
  6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
  7. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
  8. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
  9. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
  10. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
  11. This isn't and office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
  12. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
  13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
  14. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
  15. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

And here's a bonus funny from: Siglets.com

Sometimes ... when you cry ... no one sees your tears ...

Sometimes...when you are worried....no one sees your pain...

Sometimes ... when you are happy ... no one sees your smile ...

But fart just one time...

Boudreaux's Job Interview

Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring that lazy Cajun, so he decided to set a test for Boudreaux hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.

The first question was - "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

Boudreaux says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.

The boss says, "What in the world is that?"

Boudreaux says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine."

"Fair enough" says the boss. "Second questions, same rules, but represent 99".

Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go sir," he says.

The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

Boudreaux answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree - dat 99."

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire Boudreaux so he says, "All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100."

Boudreaux stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!"

He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir - 100."

The boss looks at Boudreaux's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time." He then tells Boudreaux, "Go on, Boudreaux, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100."

Boudreaux leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says...

"A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got - dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an' a turd, which makes 100.

When do I start my job?!"

Dinner With The Boss

A guy hosted a dinner party for people from work, including his boss.

All during the sit-down dinner, the host's three-year-old girl stared at her father's boss sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.

The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but, finally it was too much for him.

He asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response.

The little girl said, "My Daddy said you drink like a fish and I don't want to miss it!"