One night, Peter was home watching TV when his wife entered the room and asked:
- If I died, would you remarry?
Peter thought for a second then said:
- Yeah I guess I would.
Then his the wife asked:
- well would you have her as your golfing partner?
Peter replied:
- yep I probably would do that too.
- But surely you wouldn't give her my clubs?! - she cried.
Peter looked at her and said:
- Nah, shes left handed.
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town, and on this special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit. He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
- Well - explained the husband.
- it all goes back to our honeymoon. We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.
- We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly spoke: 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her purse, hopped down off the beast, and shot the mule dead.
- I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said 'Thats once.'
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. The doctor started a long and thorough examination, but finally found nothing wrong with the man.
When the examination was complete, he said:
- Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.
- Well, in plain English - the doctor replied.
- you're just lazy.
- Okay - said the man.
- Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked:
- How was the honeymoon?
- Oh, Mum - she replied.
- The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic...
Suddenly she burst out crying.
- But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd ever heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mum!
- Sarah - her mother said.
- calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?
- Please don't make me tell you, Mum - wept the daughter.
- I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!
- Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!
Still sobbing, the bride said:
- Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook!
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband.
When he was slipping in and out of a coma for several months, she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said:
- You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
- When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
- You know what?
- What, dear? - his wife asked gently.
- I think you bring me bad luck.
- Honey - said this husband to his wife.
- I invited a friend home for supper.
- What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking fancy meal!
- I know all that.
- Then why did you invite a friend for supper?
- Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married.
Never before had Sue looked in the box that her husband kept under their bed.
The box had been there for the past 20 years of their marriage but she had never invaded his privacy. One day, while cleaning, she decided to take a look in the box. She didn't figure it was anything he was hiding since she could have looked at it any other time but hadn't.
In the box she found 3 eggs and 10 thousand dollars. This seemed very strange so she went to Fred and asked:
- Why are there 3 eggs in a box under our bed?
He replied:
- Well, every time I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg in the box.
Sue was surprised and hurt that he had been unfaithful but she consoled herself with the fact that they had been married for over 20 years and he had only been unfaithful 3 times.
- But where did the 10 thousand dollars come from? - she asked.
- Well, every time I got a dozen, I sold it.
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer.
- Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out.
He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied.
The wedding day arrives, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says:
- Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice:
- Yes.
The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed:
- I thought we had a deal.
The vicar put the $100 into his hand and whispered back:
- She made me a much better offer.
Marriage is a three ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said:
- Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.
- Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
- Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.
- If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.
On the way home, the husband asked his wife:
- What did the doctor say?
- He said you're going to die - she replied.
