A Jewish father has two kids who want to sell lemonade on the street corner for 15 cents a glass. He figures he'll spend about 3 bucks on the ingredients, the kids will sell maybe 10 glasses and then drink the rest and get stomach aches. His eventual response: "Go stand on the corner for two hours and come back, I'll give you two dollars. Everybody wins."
Because his son wasn't the brightest kid in the world, old Hillbilly Joe took him to the outhouse one day to teach him how to urinate properly:
- Now you lissen good, Dan'l, 'cuz here's whatcha gotta do.
- One: Take out your penie-pipe.
- Two: Pull back the foreskin.
- Three: Pee.
- Four: Push back your foreskin.
- Five: Put your equipment back.
The boy said he understood, but the next day while he was working at his still, Joe's wife came running over:
- Oh, Joe, Joe, come quick! Dan'l went ta piss an' won't come out of the outhouse!
- Hell, whut's he doin' in there? - Joe said.
- I dunno. He jess keeps sayin' 'Two-four, two-four, two-four......'
Two Polish guys are discussing one's upcoming wedding...:
- I'm not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not.
His buddy replies:
- Oh, there's an easy test for that. All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one ball red and one ball blue. On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says 'Those are the funniest balls I've ever seen!' you hit her with the shovel!
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
→ Everyone has the same DNA.
A man of Polish ancestry walked up to the counter and asked for a Polish Meatball Sandwich. The man at the counter said:
- What a Pollack.
The Polish man said:
- I resent that. If a Jew came to your counter and asked for a kosher salami on rye, would you call him a stupid Jew.
- Probably, - replied the clerk.
- And if an Italian came in here and asked for spaghetti and meatballs, would you also insult him?
- Probably, - the clerk again replied.
- Why you're nothing but a bigot. Why do you have to insult everybody not like you?
At this, the clerk replied:
- Because this is a HARDWARE store, moron.
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.
- Come have a look over here - says Paddy.
- it's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.
- That's nothing - says Sean.
- here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died.
Just then, Shamus yells out:
- Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145 years old!
- What was his name? - asks Paddy.
Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims:
- Miles, from Dublin.
What's the difference between American and Serbian pilots?
→ American pilots break ground and fly into the wind!
In America the late night news used to broadcast this message:
- It's 11 o'clock do you know where your children are?
In England they say:
- It's 11 o'clock do you know where your wife is?
In France they say:
- It's 11 o'clock do you know where your husband is?
In Poland they say:
- It's 11 o'clock do you know what time it is?
Two Irishmen are sitting in a bar. Mick's looking particularly sad and Patrick asks him what the matter is. mick says:
- well, I knew that my grandfather had died in the war, but I've just found out that he actually died in the auschwitz concentration camp.
Patrick says:
- that's terrible, did he go to the gas chamber?
and Mick replies:
- no, he fell out of the machine gun tower.
Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at the same time. The Italian boy's father presents him with a new pistol.
On the other side of town, at his bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy receives a beautiful gold watch. The next day at school, the two boys are showing each other what they got. They each liked what the other one got, so, they traded.
That night, when the Italian boy is at home, his father sees him looking at the watch.
- Where did you getta thatta watch? - asks the man. The boy explains that he and Sammy had traded. The father blows his top:
- Whatta you? Stupidda boy? Whatsa matta you!
- Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married. Then maybe somma day you gonna comma home and finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Looka atta you watch and say, 'How longa you gonna be?'
