An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up.
While the man is with the doctor, the doctor askes him:
- So how has life been treating you?
The old man replies:
- The Lord's been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, He turns the light on and when I'm finished, He turns the light off.
While the old woman is with the doctor, the doctor told her what her husband said. She replied:
- Damn it! The old fart's been pissing in the ice box again!
This 60 year old woman was walking along 5th Avenue when she heard a voice from above "You will live to be 100." She looked around and didn't see anyone. Again she heard "You will live to be 100." Boy, she thought to herself, that was the voice of God. I've got 40 more years to live! So off she went to the plastic surgeon. She got everything fixed from head to toe. When she left the plastic surgeon's office, she got hit by a bus, died, and went up to heaven. She said to God "You told me I would live to be 100. I was supposed to have had 40 more years. So how come you let the bus kill me?". God said: "I didn't recognize you".
An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof. He goes home to his wife, show's her the check, and explains to her what has happened. She replies, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!"
A couple of geezers were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home, having a little chat:
- How are you, Tom? - asked Marvin.
- I'm not feeling well today - utterly exhausted - Tom replied.
- I pulled a muscle and it's killing me.
- That pulled muscle shouldn't make you so tired, though.
- Well, it does if you pull it a couple of hundred times....
- Look at me. - an elderly Yuppie boasted to his guests at his birthday bash.
- I've aged like a fine old carefully stored wine.
- I certainly have to agree with that. - piped-up his obviously long suffering wife.
- Henry's cork's been stationary for years.
An old man goes to the doctor and says:
- Dr., I don't know what's wrong with me. My dick is orange.
The Dr. tells him to pull down his pants and let him take a look. He has no idea what is wrong so he asks the guy if he has recently painted anything orange.
The old man said:
- No.
The Dr. thinks for a minute and then asks the guy if he has recently been exposed to any chemicals at work.
The old man said:
- No, I'm retired.
The Dr. then asks the guy if he could have been working with any chemicals in his garage.
The old man replied:
- No Dr., I told you, I'm retired. All I do is sit around all day, watch pornos and eat Cheetos...
An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman.
- Is there something in particular I can show you? - he asked.
- Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa.
- You mean a sectional sofa - he suggested.
- Sectional schmectional. - she bitterly retorted.
- All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!
When should you care for a man's company?
→ When he owns it.
What is defference between man and Superman?
→ Man wears underwear under the trouser and superman wears it over the trouser.
A woman asks:
- Why don't men get mad cow disease?
Another woman replies:
- Because men are pigs!
