Most commented jokes

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions:

- Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?

The officer replied:

- Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there.

She thanked the officer and he drives off.

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer got out of his car and said:

- Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?

The blonde replied:

- Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now...

- The 45th bus just went by!

An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks:

- What's your problem, Soldier?

- Chronic syphilis, Sir!

- What treatment are you getting?

- Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!

- What's your ambition?

- To get back to the front lines, Sir!

- Good man!

He goes to the next bed.

- What's your problem, Soldier?

- Chronic piles, Sir!

- What treatment are you getting?

- Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!

- What's your ambition?

- To get back to the front lines, Sir!

- Good man!

He goes to the next bed.

- What's your problem, Soldier?

- Chronic gum disease, Sir!

- What treatment are you getting?

- Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!

- What's your ambition?

- To get to the front of the line and get the wire brush before the other two - Sir!

A farmer had three sons. One day his oldest came to him and said that since he was graduating from high school, he would really like to get a car.

His father said:

- Son, come here.

He took him to the barn and pointed to the tractor and said:

- This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car.

The boy was not too happy, but was understanding.

A week later, his second son approached him wanting a motorcycle.

- Well, as soon as the tractor is paid for we'll see about getting you your scooter - the father said.

Shortly after, his youngest was bugging him for a bike.

Again, the father gave him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first.

While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted with his father's explanation, saw the farm rooster doing it's rooster duty with one of the hens. He promptly went over and kicked the rooster off the hen's back, mumbling to himself.

His dad asked:

- Son, now why would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to deserve that.

The third son replied:

- Hey, nobody around here rides anything until that tractor gets paid off!

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice.

The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days.

This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.

The blonde follows the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she'd indeed lost twenty pounds.

She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:

- How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said:

- Let's get off the corner people.

A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again...

- I SAID, let's get off that corner... NOW!

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked:

- Well, how did I do?

- Pretty good, especially since this is a bus stop! - chuckled the vet.

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store.

- Listen - said the shoplifter.

- I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip.

The crook looked at the slip and said:

- This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.

There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says:

- Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says:

- We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.

He asks:

- And what are those?

The Aussie, fed up with the Texan's bragging replies with an incredulous look:

- What, don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?

Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath.

Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang.

The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door.

A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes.

Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.

The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the hard porcelain bathtub.

Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.

After examining him, the doctor said:

- You know, you've been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax... Why don't you go home and take a long hot bath?

Even more clues you could be a Redneck...

- You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

- You've ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.

- You think the Bud Bowl is real.

- Your dog goes "oink!"

- You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.

- Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.

- You know how to milk a goat.

- Your kids have a three-day old Kool-Aid mustache.

- Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.

- You've ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone inside.

- Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.

- You have a refrigerator just for beer.

- You come back from the dump with more than you took.

- Your wife owns a camouflage nightie.

- You've ever worn cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.

- You don't think baseball players spit and scratch too much.

- You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

- You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves.

- The most common phrase heard in your house is, "Somebody go jiggle the handle."

- You can't take a nap without at least one hand tucked inside your pants.

A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting read to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.

He thought to himself, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing. He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.

- Thank you - he said.

- I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind.

- Dancing? I'm not dancing! - the armless man replied bitterly...

- My asshole itches, and I can't scratch it!