Most commented jokes

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared:

- Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?

The trembling monkey says:

- You are, mighty lion!

Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows:

- Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?

The terrified ox stammers:

- Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars:

- Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.

The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant:

- Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!

Before heading south for a vacation, it may be a good idea to learn the language of our southern brothers and sisters. And we're here to help...

Hah Tu Spek Suthun:

BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage:

- My brother bard my pickup truck.

JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage:

- My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck.

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage:

- My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I taint herd from him in munts.

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage:

- I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.

FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage:

- If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far.

BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage:

- If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage:

- Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar in my pickup truck.

TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage:

- Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.

RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage:

- My granpaw retard at age 65.

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage:

- We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats.

FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage:

- I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country.

JU-HERE - a question.
Usage:

- Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?

HAZE - a contraction.
Usage:

- Is Bubba smart?

- Nah ... haze ignert.

VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage:

- I ain't never seed New York City ... view?

GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage:

- Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!

Mike's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop. In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent.

He asks Mike:

- Vat sims to be ze problem?

Mike says:

- I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick-tock-tick-tock' anymore.

- Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.'

The old man says:

- Mmm-Hm!

and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock.

He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face.

Then he says in a menacing voice:

- Ve haf vays of making you tock!

The Hunchback of Notre Dame croaks so they need to find a new bell-ringer.

A guy with no arms comes along and says he can do it.

- But you've got no arms... you can't do this job! - says the church leader.

The new applicant shouts back:

- Sure I can... I'll do it with my mouth!

So the church hires him and he starts his bell-ringing duties the next day.

He begins ringing the bell using only his mouth, but the bell is so heavy, it tosses him out the window to the ground and splatters him dead.

He's lying dead on the ground and a big crowd gathers around him.

- Who is that guy? - one person says.

- I don't know - says another.

- but his face sure rings a bell...

This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.

He says to the clerk:

- I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle.

- OK - says the clerk.

- What do you call it?

- A fottle - replies the inventor.

- A fottle? That's a stupid! Can't you think of something else?

- I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton.

- And what do you call that? - asks the clerk.

- A farton - replies the inventor.

- That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!

- In that case - says the inventor...

- You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket.

A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.

The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.

The bartender looks at the guy and asks:

- What's wrong with your turtle?

- Not a thing - the man responds.

- this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!

- Not a chance! - replies the barkeep.

- Okay then - says the guy...

- you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there.

So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees.

The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.

Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says:

- I WIN... Told you it'll be there before your dog!

A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it.

When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and commences to repeat the performance.

The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and starts again.

The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself.

So when they are done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed...and finds four Chinese men.

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini:

- I want to feel your breasts - he exclaimed.

- Get away from me, you crazy old man - she replied.

- I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars - he says.

- Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!

- I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS - he stated.

- NO! Get away from me!

- TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS - he offered.

She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said:

- I said NO!

- FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts - he claimed.

She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and $500 IS a lot of money....

- Well, OK...but only for a minute.

She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying:

- OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... - while he was caressing them.

Out of curiosity, she asked him:

- Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?

While continuing to feel her breasts he answered:

- OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?

Twas the night before Payback...
'Twas the night before Payback and all through the land,
The Taliban are running like rabbits in Afghanistan.

Osama's been praying, he's down on his knees,
He's hoping that Allah will hear all his pleas.

He thought if he killed us that we'd fall and shatter,
But all that he's done is just make us madder.

We haven't yet forgotten our Marines in Beirut,
And we'll kick your ass, with one heavy boot.

And yes we remember the USS Cole,
And the lives of our sailors that you bastards stole.

You think you can rule us and cause us to fear,
You'll soon get the answer if you live to hear.

And we ain't forgotten your buddy Saddam,
And he ain't forgotten the sound of our bombs.

You think that those mountains are somewhere to hide,
They'll go down in history as the place where you died.

Remember Khadhafi and his line of death?

He came very close, to his final breath.

So come out and prove it, that you are a man,
Cause our boys are coming and they have a plan.

They are our Fathers and they are our Sons,
And they sure do carry some mighty big Guns.

They would have stayed home, with Children and Wives,
Till you bastards came here and took all these Lives.

Osama I wrote this especially for you,
For air mail delivery by B-52.

You soon will be hearing a thud and a whistle,
Old Glory is coming, attached to a missile.

I won't be sorry to see your cowardly ass go,
It's Red, White, and Blue that's running this show!

One day O'Leary decided to visit his friend Paddy and ask him for a favour.

- Paddy my friend - he said.

- I'm going on holiday for a few weeks an I wanted to know if you could come around a couple a times a day to check up on me elderly ma, an feed me cat.

- No problem - replied Paddy.

- You go an have a good time.

So the next day O'Leary left and headed for sunny Florida. However, after a week of him being there, he received a phone call from Paddy.

- Everything's ok over here - Paddy said.

- Except you're cat. It's dead!

- oly ell - replied O'Leary.

- You could have been a bit more sensitive Paddy!

- What do you mean? - replied Paddy.

- Well, one day you could have rang me up and told me that my cat has climbed the tree. The next day you could tell me that it has gone even higher up the tree and refuses to come down. On the third day you could tell me that the cat lost its grip and fell from the tree and had to be taken to the vets because of a broken leg. Then on the fourth day you could have told me that it died peacefully in the vet clinic - explained O'Leary.

So paddy apologised and another week went by, when one day O'Leary got another phone call, it was Paddy again.

- All right O'Leary - he said.

- Everything's ok here, except your ma - She's climbed the tree and refuses to come down!