Most commented jokes

This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of bulls.

The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off:

- A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.

The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments:

- See! That was more than 5 times a month!

The second bull is to be sold:

- Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.

Again the wife bugs her husband:

- Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!

Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.

The third bull is up for sale:

- And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!

The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells:

- That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!

The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back:

- Sure, once a day! But ask the announcer if they were all with the same fat cow!!

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a dept. store and asks:

- W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself:

- W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?

Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.

The guy asks several more times:

- W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?

And the clerk just seems to ignore him.

Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk:

- why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?

The clerk answers:

- D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!

The teacher says:

- Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Today's word is "beautiful". Little Sally, would you please come up here and use "beautiful" in a sentence?

Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said:

- Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world.

Teacher says:

- Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn.

Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said:

- Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen.

Teacher says:

- Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, it's your turn.

Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said:

- Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said...'Beautiful, just fuckin' BEATUIFUL!'

- Doctor Doctor i feel like a bridge!

- What's come over you?

- 2 buses, 3 motorbikes and a train.

- Doctor Doctor - I feel like a pack of cards!

- I'll deal with you later.

- Doctor Doctor - I feel like a needle!

- I see your point.

- Doctor Doctor - I feel like a pair of curtains!

- Pull yourself togerther man!

- Doctor Doctor - I have 59 seconds to live!

- Wait a minute will ya!

As Time Goes By - A Brief History Lesson...

3050 B.C. - A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the week, the idea is stolen and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby establishing the business ethic for all times.

525 B.C. - The first Olympics are held, and prove similar to the modern games, except that the Russians don't try to enter a six-footer with a moustache in the women's shot put.

214 B.C. - Tens of thousands of Chinese labor for a generation to build the 1,500 mile long Great Wall of China. And after all that, it still doesn't keep the neighbor's dog out.

1 B.C. - Calendar manufacturers find themselves in total disagreement over what to call next year.

432 - St. Patrick introduces Christianity to Ireland, thereby giving the natives something interesting to fight about for the rest of their recorded history.

1297 - The world's first stock exchange opens, but no one has the foresight to buy IBM or Xerox.

1456 - An English judge reviews Joan of Arc's case and cancels her death sentence. Unfortunately for her, she was put to death in 1431.

1607 - The Indians laugh themselves silly as the first European tourist to visit Virginia tries to register as "John Smith".

1755 - Samuel Johnson issues the first English Dictionary, at last providing young children with a book they can look up dirty words in.

1770 - The shooting of three people in the Boston Massacre touches off the Revolution. 200 Years later, 3 shootings in Boston will be considered just about average for a Sat. Night.

1805 - Robert Fulton invents the torpedo.

1807 - Robert Fulton invents the steamship so he has something to blow up with his torpedo.

1865 - Union Soldiers face their greatest challenge of the war: getting General Grant sober enough to accept Lee's surrender.

1912 - People with Reservations for the voyage of the Titanic get their money back.

1934 - As if the Great Depression weren't giving business enough headaches, Ralph Nader is born.

20. The cucumber has left the salad.
21. I can see the gun of Navarone.
22. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
23. You've got Windows on your laptop.
24. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
25. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
26. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
27. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
28. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
29. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
30. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
31. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
32. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
33. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
34. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
35. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
36. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
37. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
38. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
39. I thought you were crazy, now I can clearly see your nuts.

A guy goes into a bar and says:

- Quick, gimme a beer before the trouble starts!

The barman looks around the sleepy bar, shrugs and hands the guy a bottle of beer.

The guy drinks it fast:

- Quick! gimme another beer before the trouble starts!

The barman looks at the guy oddly but hands another beer to the guy.

The guy drinks it fast:

- Quick another beer before the trouble starts!

The barman hands him another beer, with a frown on his face, but hands it over reluctantly.

Again, the guy drinks it fast:

- Quick another beer before the trouble starts!

The barman replies:

- Look pal, exactly what trouble are you talking about?

- I haven't got any money!

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy.

They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find her. So the captain sent the old man home with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the ship.

It read:

- Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife had died in the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck, and found an oyster attached to her butt. Inside it was a pearl worth $50,000.

- Please advise?

The old man faxed back: Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap!

A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked:

- Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?

Aghast, the man said:

- are you NUTS?, that's robbery!

The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again:

- Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?

Again, the man replies bluntly:

- you must be crazy pal, now go away!

The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy:

- Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much.

Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says:

- HEY - he snarled - this brownie tastes like crap!!!

- It is - replied the salesman.

- Wanna buy some mouthwash?

An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender.

He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.

The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips.

The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.

The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

The man said:

- Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?

The bartender quickly replies:

- The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street.