Most commented jokes

1. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices, which have large red read-outs to tell you exactly when it will go off.
2. Should you need to pass yourself off as a German officer it will not be necessary to speak the language, a convincing accent will do.
3. All apartments in Paris overlook the Eiffel tower.
4. Most lap top computers are powerful enough to override a bank security system or the communication system of an invading alien civilization.
5. Every single person in martial arts Film has a black belt in karate.
6. When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
7. 1 man shooting at 20 men has more chance of hitting them than 20 men shooting at 1 man if he is the hero.
8. During a police investigation it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.
9. Large studio-type apartments in big cities are affordable by single people with a low wage.
10. The entire British population lives in London.
11. It doesn't matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a martial arts fight; your enemies will attack you one at a time while the others dance around you menacingly.
12. In musicals everyone you meet in the street will know all the words to the songs and the steps to the dances.
13. When captured by an evil international terrorist, guns are not necessary to defeat them, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.

Little Johnny's next door neighbors had a baby.

Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears.

When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby so the dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors.

He said:

- Now, son... that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or I am really going to spank you when we get back home.

- I promise not to mention his ears at all - said Little Johnny.

At the neighbors home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said:

- Oh What a Beautiful little baby

The mother said:

- Thank you very much, Little Johnny.

He then said:

- this baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why... just look at his pretty little eyes.... Did his doctor say that he can see good?

The Mother said:

- why, yes Johnny... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision.

Little Johnny said:

- well, its a darn good thing, cause he sure couldn't wear glasses!!!

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.

On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone:

- Get me a coffee, quickly!

The voice from the other side responded:

- You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?

- No - replied the trainee.

- It's the CEO of the company, you fool!

The trainee shouts back:

- And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!

- No - replied the CEO indignantly.

- Good! - replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.

Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
→ Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.

What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
→ Have sex once a year.

What is the most common pregnancy craving?
→ For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
→ With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
→ Depends on what you're doing with them.

The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
→ Cause you're fatter then they are.

My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
→ So what's your question, dork?

Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
→ No, but your husband might get on your nerves.

My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
→ Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
→ Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
→ Yes, baby lips.

Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
→ Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

What causes baby blues?
→ Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.

A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.

- Sorry, we don't need anyone... - they replied.

- You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anything anytime!

- Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, then you have a job.

He was gone about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,000.

- How in the world did you do that? - they asked.

- I told you I'm the worlds best salesman, I can sell anyone anything, anytime!

- Did you get a urine sample? - they asked him.

- What's that? - he asked.

- Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000 the company requires a urine sample. Now take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples.

He was gone about 8 hours and the office was about to close, when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says:

- Here's Mr. Jone's and this one is Mrs. Johnson's.

- That's good - they said - but what's in those two buckets?

- Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention - so I stopped and sold them a group policy!

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
    But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
11. Our love will never become cold and hollow
    Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
12. I bought this Valentine's card at the store
    In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.
13. This feels so good, it feels so right
    I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
14. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
    Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.
15. Before I met you, my heart was so famished
    But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!
16. Through all the things that came to pass
    Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.
17. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie
    I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".
18. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
    So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
19. If you think that hickey looks like a blister,
    you should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

Sure fire signs that your cow has mad-cow disease...:

- Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.

- She refuses to let you milk her, saying:

- Not on the first date.

- Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.

- Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.

- Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body.

- Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Archs Logo'.

- Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.

- Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows.

- Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger King.

- She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia.

- Your cow joins the Hell's Angels because, hey, it already has a cool leather jacket.

- Your cow starts smoking its grass rather than eating it.

- Your cow spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position chanting "MOO" backwards.

- Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate milk if you started feeding it Hershey bars.

- Your cow asks you to brand it again but only if you'll wear something sexy this time.

- Your cow purposely blinds itself with a dart and yells:

- Bullseye!

- Your cow becomes a Muslim and asks to be called "LaCream Abdul Milkbar".

- Your cow insists Milk Duds are the result of stupid cows.

- Your cow starts laughing hysterically until milk spurts out its nose.

- You find your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago.

- Your cow keeps wanting to chew other cows cuds.

- Your cow believes it could really jump over the moon like in the nursery rhyme if it had a really good run at it.

A barman looks out the window of his bar and sees a guy riding a horse dressed in a hunting outfit with a rifle over one arm and a hound running along beside him.

He dismounts and comes walking into the bar where upon he takes the rifle off his shoulder and starts wandering around with his dog sniffing ever table, chair and small corner of the bar. After a while he approaches the barman who asks him what he's doing.

And the guy replies:

- I'm hunting you idiot... can't you see that!

- OK, OK... - says the barman.

- Would you like a drink while you hunt?

Immediately the hunter says:

- Do you have any cheap Gin !!?

Rather taken a back by the abruptness of his request the barman replies:

- No I'm sorry I'm all out of the cheap stuff is there anything else you'd like?

- No - says the hunter and he starts to leave.

As he reaches the door the barman calls after him:

- Btw pal... exactly what do you hunt?

- I hunt for cheap gin you bumbling idiot! Couldn't you tell that - I'm a BarGIN Hunter!

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her.

Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half an hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did midair flips, and leaped high in the air.

She spoke to the other bum and said:

- What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!

The other bum says:

- Well, I dunno. Let me ask him - HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?

A man is in court. The Judges says:

- on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?

- Guilty - said the man in the dock.

At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted:

- You dirty rat!

The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.

The Judge continued:

- ..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead?

- Guilty - said the man in the dock.

Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder:

- You dirty rotten stinking rat!!

At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said:

- I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?

He replied:

- He is my next door neighbor

The Judge replied:

- I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments

The man replied:

- NO, your Honor, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one!!!