Most commented jokes

A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart.

When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing.

The guy next to him asked:

- Why are you laughing?

- I was thinking about my own funeral - the man replied.

- What's so funny about that?

- I'm a gynecologist.

A Texan goes to Toronto for a vacation.

There he grabs a cab at the airport and says he's on his way to The Royal York Hotel.

The Cabby heads downtown on his way he passes Queens Park.

- What's that - says the Texan.

- Oh! That's Queens Park - says the Cabby.

- Its our Provincial Government, its like your State Government. Those buildings are almost 200 years old and they are quite big.

- Oh! We have buildings much older than that and at least twice as large - says the Texan.

They continue along and past First Canadian Place.

- Holy cow - says the Texan.

- What's that?

- Why that's First Canadian Place, its the biggest office complex in the country - says the Cabby.

- it took almost 4 years to build.

- Really - says the Texan.

- Why in Houston they have buildings twice that big, and built in less than 1/2 the time.

They continue on the way, the cabby a little miffed at the bragging, when they drive past the CN Tower. Now the Texan has his head out the window looking up at the 1850' tower and rotating restaurant at 1300'.

- Holy Crap! - says the Texan.

- What in gods name is that? How long did it take to build that!

The Cabby non chalantly glances out the window and says:

- Heck if I know, it wasn't there yesterday!

The teacher put two baskets of treats on her desk, a basket of apples and a basket of cookies.

She told the students to each take only one treat.

Next to the basket of apples was a sign: Take only one, God is watching.

As one little boy reached over to take a cookie, the boy next to him said:

- Take all you want, God's watching the apples!

One day a boy came walking home from school. On the way home he saw a creek. He quickly jumped in, clothes and all. When he arrived home completely soaked his dad asked:

- Son what happened?

- I jumped in that creek down the road.

- Why did you do that?

- I dunno.

His dad was very angry and said:

- If you jump in that creek again, just because, I'm gonna tan that hide - just because! Is that clear?

- Yes dad - replies his son.

The next day, the boy came home walking from school, and sure enough when he saw that creek, he jumped right on in.

When he went home, his dad knew what had happened and asked:

- Didn't I tell you not to jump in that creek again?

- Yes dad, but Satan told me to do it!

His dad, being somewhat religous, decided to give his son the benefit of the doubt and tells him:

- Next time Satan tells you to do something like that, say 'Satan get thee behind me in the name of Jesus'.

- Ok dad - replied the son.

Well the next day after school, the boy was walking across the bridge, and well you know the rest. He came home again soaked.

His dad said:

- I thought I told you what to say when you came to that creek!

- I said what you told me dad, and when I did, Satan pushed me in!

Good girls say:

- thanks for a wonderful dinner...

Bad girls say:

- what's for breakfast?

Good girls never go after another girl's man...
Bad girls go after him AND his brother.

Good girls wear white cotton panties...
Bad girls don't wear any.

Good girls wax their floors...
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot...
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls make chicken for dinner...
Bad girls make reservations.

Good girls blush during bedrooms scenes in movies...
Bad girls know they could do better.

Good girls never consider sleeping with the boss...
Bad girls never do either, unless he's very, very rich.

Good girls believe you're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls...
Bad girls believe that you are fully dressed with JUST a strand of pearls.

Good girls love italian food...
Bad girls love italian waiters.

Cover Charge: $15.00
Round of Drinks: $23.00
Table Dance: $30.00
Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
Couch Dance and Tips: $50.00
A Round of Shots: $34.00
Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
Lap Dance and Hand Job: $100.00
Private Dance and Hotel Room: $500.00
Sending her on her way without having to cuddle or listen to her:

PRICELESS!

Read the 10 to-do instructions and then scroll for the answer - NO CHEATING!

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.

Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off!
(From a sign posted at a local golf course restroom :)

- Boy: Since we met, I can't eat or drink...

- Girl: Why not ??

- Boy: I'm broke.

- Boy: May I hold your hand??

- Girl: No thanks, it isn't heavy.

- Girl: Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night??

- Boy: What time was it??

- Girl: Say you love me! Say you love me!

- Boy: You love me...

- Girl: If we become engaged will you give me a ring??

- Boy: Sure, what's your phone number??

- Girl: Darling, I want to dance like this forever..

- Boy: Don't you ever want to improve??

- Boy: I love you and I could die for you!

- Girl: How soon??

- Sharon: Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??

- Tracy: I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

- Man: You remind me of the sea.

- Woman: Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?

- Man: NO, because you make me sick.

- Wife: You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.

- Husband: You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

- Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter?

- Peter: A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

- Jimmy: Mom, can I have two piece of cake?

- Mom: Certainly. Take this piece and cut it in two.

- Sam: I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I comfortable seated.

- Lily: So what do you do?

- Sam: I close my eyes.

- Teacher: Have you given the goldfish fresh water?

- Pupil: No, Sir. They haven't finished the water I gave them last week.

- Mom: Why are you wiping the floor with that cake?

- Son: Well, it's a sponge cake, isn't it?

It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner.

- What are you charged with? - he asked.

- Doing my Christmas shopping early - replied the defendant.

- That's no offense - replied the judge.

- How early were you doing this shopping?

- Before the store opened - countered the prisoner.

NEWS FLASH - GOD ANNOUNCES THE 11TH COMMANDMENT!

During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of Ex-President Clinton has brought about the need for an eleventh commandment.

They worked long and hard in a brain-storming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten. They began their brain-storming and came up with the 11th.

After many revisions, they finally agreed that the eleventh commandment should be:

- Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff.

A woman walks into a veterinarian's waiting room dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit obviously does not want to be there.

- Sit, Fluffy! - she says.

Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him.

- I said sit, now there's a good Fluffy - says the woman, slightly embarrassed.

Fluffy, wet already, squats in the middle of the room and urinates. The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts:

- Darn it, Fluffy, will you be good?!

Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman and pursues it out of the office. As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the flabbergasted customers and says:

- Please pardon me... I just washed my hare, and can't do a damn thing with it!