Most commented jokes

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a highly agitated, arrogant little man who ran a small business that he had started from scratch.

- I need someone with an accounting degree - the man said.

- But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me.

- How's that? - the would be accountant asked.

- I worry about a lot of things - the man said.

- But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.

- I see - the accountant said.

- And how much will my position pay?

- I'll start you at eighty five thousand - responded the owner decisively.

- Eighty five thousand dollars! - the accountant exclaimed.

- How can such a small business afford a sum like that?

- That - the owner said - is your first worry. Now get to fuckin' work!

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man started to scream for help.

A local fisherman ran up. The man gasped:

- My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars.

The fisherman dived into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.

Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said:

- Okay, buddy, where's my hundred?

The man said:

- Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law.

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said...

- Just my luck! So tell me, what do I owe you?

The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

A creative fellow, he went out and collected from his buddies all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:

- Dear Mary, I can not remember which one is you ... please keep YOUR photo and return the others!

A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like:

- We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said:

- I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial --it went like this:

Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
→ No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Officer, who provided this description?
→ The officer who responded to the scene.

A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
→ Yes sir, with my life.

WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer--do you have a locker room in the police station--a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
→ Yes sir, we do.

And do you have a locker in that room?
→ Yes sir, I do.

And do you have a lock on your locker?
→ Yes sir.

Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?
→ You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room...

So a dude turns to the guy next to him at a bar and asks:

- Hey, you wanna hear a redneck story?

The guy says:

- Buddy, I'm six feet, 210 pounds, an' ma name's Billy Joe. You see the guy on the other side of you? That there's Bubba. He's 225 pounds of solid muscle and he's a redneck. And the boy next to him? Mike's a trucker who weighs 295 and he's a redneck, too. Now, do you still want to tell your redneck story?

The fella says:

- Naw, you're right. . . I'd hate to have to explain it three times!

Stumpy Grider and his Wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said:

- Ya know Mahtha, Ah'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane

Every year Martha would say:

- Ah know, Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs

So Stumpy says:

- By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, if I don't go this time I may nevah go.

Martha replies:

- Stumpy, that theah aihplane ride is ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs.

So the pilot overhears them and says:

- Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just one word and it's ten dollars.

They agree and up they go... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard; he does it one more time, still nothing... so fair is fair and he lands.

He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says:

- By golly, I did everything I could think of to make you hollar out, but you didn't!

And Stumpy replies:

- Well, Ah was gonna say something when Mahtha theah fell out... but then, ten dollahs IS ten dollahs!

The kindergarten teacher was showing her class an encyclopedia page picturing several national flags. She pointed to the American flag and asked:

- What flag is this?

A little girl called out:

- That's the flag of our country.

- Very good - the teacher said.

- And what is the name of our country?

- 'Tis of thee - the girl said confidently.

A teacher in New York City wanted to see how many animals the city kids in her fourth-grade class could identify. She drew a picture of a cow on the blackboard and said:

- Who can tell me what this is?

A little girl raised her hand.

- Yes, Janie, what do you think it is?

- It's a cow, teacher.

- Very good, Janie - said the teacher. Then she drew a picture of a pig, and a little boy answered correctly. She drew several other barnyard animals and was unable to stump the class.

Finally, she decided to try something a little more difficult. She drew a stag with a large spread of antlers. The kids just stared, but nobody offered an answer.

- I'll give you a hint - said the teacher.

- What does your mommy call your daddy when she's trying to be 'lovey-dovey'?

Instantly, little Johnny raised his hand and said:

- ooh, ooh!, I know, Teacher. It's a big horny bastard!

This particular Wizard worked in a modern factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants took advantage of his good nature, and would steal his parking spot.

This continued until he put up the following effective sign:

This parking space belongs to the Wizard.... Violators will be toad!