Most commented jokes

Why English Teachers Are Important: The Words are the same. Only the punctuation changes...

Dear Thomas,
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?
Maria

Dear Thomas,
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours,
Maria

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out.

She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says:

- Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?

- Reading my book - she replies as she thinks to herself - Is this guy blind or what?

- You're in a restricted fishing area - he informs her.

- But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?

- But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up.

- If you do that, I will charge you with rape - snaps the irate woman.

- I didn't even touch you - growls the sheriff.

- Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment ...

Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read!

The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to heaven together.

- Oh, this is terrible - exclaims St. Peter - I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready... We can't take you in and we can't send you back.

Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone:

- Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. What d'ya say?

Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.

However, Two days later St. Peter got a call:

- Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving everybody, and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning!

- A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

- Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor.

- Atheism - A non-prophet organization.

- Boycott shampoo!!! Demand True poo!

- Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!

- Clones are people two.

- COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage.

- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

- Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.

- Entropy isn't what it used to be.

- Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

- Gene Police: YOU!! Out of the pool!

- Ground Beef: Cow With No Legs

- Help stamp out, delete, and eradicate unnecessary, superfluous redundancy.

- I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.

- Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!

- Mouse... n. elephant built by the Japanese.

- My reality check just bounced.

- No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.

- Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.

- Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

- So, what IF there were no hypothetical questions hypothetically...

More goofy excuses you can use to get out of going somewhere you just don't wanna go to.

I'D LOVE TO BUT......

- I have to go to court for kitty littering.

- I have to jog my memory.

- I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.

- I have to rotate my crops.

- I have to sit up with a sick ant.

- I have to stay home and see if I snore.

- I have to study for a blood test.

- I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.

- I prefer to remain an enigma.

- I think you want the OTHER (fill in your name here).

- I'm going to be old someday.

- I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.

- I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me.

- I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.

- I'm trying to cut down.

- I'm up to my eardrums in waxy buildup.

- I've been traded to Cincinnati.

- My Dress For Obscurity class meets then.

- my favorite commercial is on TV.

- My uncle escaped... again.

- Oooo, having fun gives me prickly heat.

- adenoids.....(n) Space critters whut are keepin' Elvis alive on Pluto

- anasthesia...(n) Rushun princess y'all red 'bout in skool.

- antacid......(n) aloosinagenic drugs uzed by itty bitty bugz.

- bowel........(n) A alfabit letter lyke A, E, I, O, or U or why?

- bronchitis...(n) dinosour frum the plastikseen age; extinked.

- catscan......(v) lukin' fer hookers (don y'all do this)

- cauterize....(v) makin' eye contak with a hooker (berry dangerous)

- d & c........(n) Warshingtun; whar the weirdos, purvurts, & kongress type peepul live.

- emema........(n) sumone who ain't never no frend no how

- fester.......(n) yer unkles name (mos likelee)

- genital......(n) head of a army, fer sample, Genital Robert E. Lee

- heart........(v) when u cauz pain to some1

- hypodermic...(n) huge, big, fat zoo crittur; mostly live in de woter

- mamogram.....(n) short note sent 2 yer ma er other female

- papsmear.....(v) when peepul sez veri ugli things bout yer pappy

- recovery.....(n) place wear yew fix up yer fernitur

- rectum.......(v) whut happenz when yew drive yer pick up truck drunk

- seizure......(n) Emperore of Rome.

- series.......(n) tv continuin show, fer sample, Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C.

- testicles....(n) books of the Bible

- tumor........(n) how many beers yew can drink after last call

- urine........(v) xact oppisyte of yerrout

My grand-daddy worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a young fella, and he used to tell me, when I was a little nipper, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the hard work of blacksmithing.

One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. As he told it, he would stand outside behind the wood shed, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out from his sides and hold them there as long as he could.

After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than two full minutes. . . .

Then, he started putting potatoes in the sacks...

DOH!

A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed off:

- I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses.

Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note:

- I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. . . Lead us not into temptation.

Woo-hoo...check out these letters from tenants to landlords!

- The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

- Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant. . . .

- The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

- Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old page pensioner and need it straight away.

- I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

- This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

- The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

- I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

- Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

- Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.

- Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

- Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat. . . .

- He: I'm sorry honey but I'm up to my neck in work today

- She: But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear.

- He: OK darling, but since I've got no time now, just give me the good news, OK?

- She: Well, the air bag works...