Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had enough:
- You're not supposed to talk out loud in church.
- Why? Who's going to stop me? - Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said:
- See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers!
There was a man who traveled all around the world. Every city he stopped in he would buy something for his mother and send it to her. On one such stop he found a parrot that spoke thirty different languages. He immediately bought it and sent it home to his mother.
A few days later he calls his mother.
- Did you like the parrot? - he asked her.
- Oh yes - she replied.
- It was delicious.
- WHAT! - the man cried.
- You ate it? That parrot wasn't for you to eat! It spoke thirty languages!
The mother paused for a moment and then said:
- So why didn't he say something?
The confused young man couldn't decide whether to marry Kathryn or Edith. Try as he might, he just could not make up his mind.
Unwilling to give up either, he strung them along for far too long. This indecision continued until both young women got tired of the situation and left him for good. Moral of the story: You can't have your Kate and Edith too!
A New York lawyer sent gifts to many of his clients.
The gifts were sleeves of golf balls, suitably inscribed with the donor lawyer's name.
One of the recipients sent an e-mail of thanks back to the lawyer saying:
- That's the first time I've ever had a lawyer buy the balls.
One day 3 men went to a shrine to ask the Father for forgivness.
The first man went to the Father and said:
- Father, Father I have sinned!
- What have you done?
- I have lied!
- Drink the Holy water and you will be saved.
And so the man drank the water and was "saved".
Then the second man went up to the Father and said:
- Father, Father I have sinned!
- What have you done?
- I have stolen from the jeweler's!
- Drink the Holy water and you will be saved.
And so the man drank the holy water and was "saved".
The third man went up to the Father and said:
- Father, Father I have sinned!
- What have you done?
- I peed in the Holy water!
A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots. On one side of the coin would be Theodore Roosevelt, on the other, Nathan Hale.
Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the official replied, ...
- Now, when you have a coin toss, you can simply call 'Teds, or Hales!'
A female snake charmer was wooed by an undertaker and accepted his offer of marriage. They received many gifts at the wedding but their favorite was a set of towels embroidered with the words: "hiss and hearse" (woo-hoo!...that was terrible! :)
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
- Momma, look what I found - the boy called out.
- What have you got there, dear? - his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered:
- I think it's Adam's suit!
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.
After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered:
- If he gets loose, will he hurt us?
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff:
- I wish you guys could get your act together.
Just yesterday one of you takes away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!!
