A visitor, returning to Kuwait for the first time since the Gulf War, was impressed by a sociological change. On previous visits she noted that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands.
She observed that the men now walked over 20 paces BEHIND their wives!
She approached one of the women for an explanation:
- What enabled women here to achieve this marvellous reversal of roles?
- Land mines - replied the Kuwaiti woman.
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a blood thirsty group of cannibals. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself:
- Oh God, I'm doomed!
There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out:
- No my son, you are NOT doomed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.
So the explorer picks up the stone and attacks the chief, feverishly bashing at his head with all his strength. He stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 cannibals with a look of shock on their faces.
The voice booms out again:
- Okay . . . . NOW you're doomed.
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
- What's it about? - he asked.
- I don't know - she replied. I can't read.
One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.
The diver went below another 20 ft, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, and wrote:
- How the hell are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?
The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote:
- I'M DROWNING, YOU MORON!!!
- Filthy Stinking Rich... Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad
- I Used Up All My Sick Days... So I Called In Dead
- Husband and Cat Lost... Reward for Cat
- Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-Law on a Milk Carton
- Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt
- Learn from Your Parents' Mistakes... Use Birth Control
- If God Had Wanted Me to Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them on My Knees
- If You Can Read This...
Kiss A Teecher
- Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up
- If You Remember the '60s, You Weren't Really There
- Procrastinate Now
- Rehab Is for Quitters
- (Across a drawing of a skeleton) Waiting for the Perfect Man
- My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse... .... He Couldn't do Better and I Couldn't Do Worse
- The More I Learn About Women, the More I Love My Harley
- Xerox and Wurlitzer: They're going to make reproductive organs
- Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers: New company will be called Fairwell Honeychild
- Polygram records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: new company will be called Poly Warner Cracker
- W.R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics and Hale Business Systems: New company will be called Hale Mary Fuller Grace
- 3M and Goodyear: New company will be called mmmGood
- John Deere and Abitibi-Price: new company will be called Deere Abi
- Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil: New company will be called Honey I'm Home
- Denison Mines, Alliance and Metal Mining: New company will be called Mine, All Mine
- 3M, J.C. Penney and Canadian Opera Company: New company will be called 3 Penney Opera
- Grey Poupon and Dockers Pants: New company will be called Poupon Pants
- Knott's Berry Farm and National organization of Women: New company will be called Knott NOW!
- Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining: New company will be called Zip Audi Do-Da
It's 1880, the decade of gunslingers and gentlemen. This is a story of one such young man that wanted more than anything to be the fastest and most respected gunslinger in the west.
The place was Dodge City, Kansas in the Sawdust Saloon. The young man walked into the Sawdust Saloon and, to his surprise, saw Wyatt Earp sitting at a table playing poker. The young man walked up to Wyatt and said:
- Mr. Earp, I would like to be a gunslinger just like you. Could you give me some tips?
Wyatt put his cards down, looked up at the boy and said:
- Son, I don't usually give out tips like this cause it could someday be detrimental to my health, but step back and let me take a look at you.
The boy stepped back and Mr. Earp said:
- You look good. You're wearing black, you've got two ivory handled guns with waxed holsters, and you look like a gunslinger. But what's more important, son, is: Can you shoot?
The young man, happy to show how good he was, quickly drew his pistol from his right holster and without aiming shot the cuff link off of the piano player's right sleeve.
Wyatt said:
- That's good shooting son, but can you shoot with your left hand?
Before Earp could even finish, the boy had already drawn the pistol from his left holster and shot the cuff link off of the piano player's left shirt sleeve. Very proud of himself the young man blew the smoke away from his six shooter and holstered his gun.
- How was that? - the boy asked.
Wyatt smiled and looked up and the boy and said:
- That was pretty good shooting son. I couldn't do better than that myself, but I do have one good tip for you.
- What's that? - the boy asked.
- I suggest that you go to the kitchen and ask the cook for a large can of lard. Then take both guns of yours and stick them down deep into the lard.
Puzzled the young gunslinger asked why he should do that.
Earp put his cards down again, leaned back in his chair, and said:
- Well son, when Doc Holliday gets done playing the piano over there, he's going to take those two guns of yours and. . .
The boy didn't wait for the rest of the answer.
Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained:
- It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.
Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him:
- Now, just a minute. Listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire.
When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels-the phone is still ringing. When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife -- she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And Mister, I TOLD HER!
A panhandler was caught trying to sneak aboard a Princess liner about to embark on a three-day trip to the Bahamas.
He was caught by the Purser who threw him off the ship telling him:
- Beggars can't be cruisers.
The famous general died and his ashes were to be taken to Arlington National Cemetery. All the air lines were booked and there were no other planes available. Someone came up with the idea of using a helicopter. It arrived at 5:00 A.M.
The newspapers reported the incident with the headlines:
- The Whirly Bird Gets The Urn
