Most commented jokes

A gal comes in for her interview with the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive her application.

As the executive begins to scan her resume, he notices that she has been fired from every job she's ever held.

- I must say - says the executive - your work history is terrible. You've been fired from every job.

- Yes - says the lady.

- Well - continues the executive - there's not much positive in that.

- Well - says the woman as she pokes the application.

- At least I'm not a quitter!

The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there.

- Please - protested the college President - you already make more than the entire History department.

- Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with - the coach blustered.

- Look.

He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway.

- Run over to my office and see if I'm there - he ordered.

Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath.

- You're not there, sir - he reported.

- Oh, I see what you mean - conceded the President, scratching his head.

- I would have phoned.

My phone bill was past due and I needed to change my service, so I had to visit the local Bell Atlantic Office. The line wasn't clearly formed, and there was an old man with a cane nearby me.

I wasn't really sure who was next and when we got to the front of the line, the man gestured to me and said:

- After you.

I smiled at him and said:

- No, please, after you. I have all day.

Then he shook his head sadly and repeated:

- No, sonny, you go on ahead. My doctor says I have at least six months.

- Plan ahead... It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

- Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.

- Don't listen to critics - do what must be done.

- Build on high ground.

- For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

- Two heads are better than one.

- Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board... but then so were the turtles.

- Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.

- Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.

- When things get really deep, don't sit there and complain--shovel!

- Stay below deck during the storm.

- The ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals.

- If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.

- Remember that the woodpeckers inside are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.

- Don't miss the boat. Repeat... Do NOT miss the boat...

- No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the horizon.

During a recent vacation in Atlantic City, a couple went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a woman from the back of the theater yelled out:

- Hey, how'd you do that?

- I could tell you, madam - the magician answered - But then I'd have to kill you.

After a short pause, she yelled back:

- Ok, then... Just tell my husband!

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls:

- Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply:

- Yes I have a phone.

The driver of the Yugo says:

- Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!

The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says:

- Yes, I have a refrigerator.

The driver of the Yugo says:

- That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!

The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says:

- Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!

The driver of the Yugo says:

- Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!

Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.

So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.

- I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce - the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly!

The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said:

- You got me out of the shower for that!

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.

Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted:

- Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife!

I noticed my husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his ample stomach.

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, I quipped:

- I don't think that is going to help much, hon?

- Sure it does - he said.

- How else can I can see the numbers!

Mr. Smythe had been giving his second-grade students a short lesson on science. He had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. And now it was question time...

- Class - said he - My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things.... What am I?

A little boy on the front row said:

- You're a mother!

Investigating a purse snatching, Brunswick, Georgia, detectives picked up a man who fit the thief's description and drove him back to the scene. He was told to exit the car and face the victim for an I.D. The suspect dutifully eyed the victim, and blurted:

- Yeah, that's the woman I robbed.

Elsewhere...

In Nashville, they tell of Fred "Bubba" Johnson, the burglar who fell asleep on the sofa of the home he was robbing, only to be awakened by police. Meanwhile...

In Thibodaux, Louisiana, a robber with a thick Cajun accent couldn't get restaurant patrons to understand his demand for money. Frustrated, he whipped out his gun, but it wouldn't fire. Grabbing the cash register, he ran -- but got only three feet before falling down. The register was still plugged into the wall... Unplugging it, he tried again, but a regular diner decked him and called police. And...

In Rhode Island, cops were sure they had the right guy when the suspect in a string of coin-machine thefts proceeded to pay his $400 bail...entirely in quarters. Stranger yet....

Texas authorities, responding to a store robbery, seized a man who was fleeing naked. When asked about his choice of attire, he said he'd stripped after the job because he figured his clothes would make him identifiable. . .

In the Heartland...

Lawrence, Kansas - Officers tracked a midnight thief who prided himself on his running speed by following the red lights on his high-tech tennis shoes. . .

And Finally. . .

In Virginia, a janitor went to great lengths to avoid I.D. in a 7-Eleven robbery, using a ski mask and rental car for the occasion. But he also wore his work uniform, which said "Cedar Woods Apartments" and had his name, Dwayne, stitched across the front. . .