There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.
The first cow said:
- I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm.
The other cow replies:
- Hell, I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks!
A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends visited and asked if the ranch had a name.
"Well," said the would-be cattleman, "I wanted to name it the Bar-J. My wife favored Suzy-Q, one son like the Flying-W, and the other wanted the Lazy-Y. So we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."
"But where are all your cattle?" the friends asked.
"None survived the branding."
WHY? ......
What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common?
→ Nothing, yet.
What does Saddam want for Thanksgiving?
→ Turkey.
What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common?
→ They both have Kurds in their Whey.
What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
→ They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from!
What is the best Iraqi job?
→ Foreign Ambassador
How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ None. They can't turn them on anyway.
How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Only one, but he does it from 30 miles away using laser targeting, and at a cost of US $8,000,000.
"How many members of the coalition does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
→ "We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time."
Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
→ You only have to teach them to take off.
How do you play Iraqi bingo?
→ B-52... F-16... A-10
What is Iraq's national bird?
→ Duck
What's the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile?
→ Aeroflot has killed more people.
How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?
→ Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.
Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
→ So they can see their Air Force.
Did you hear that Saddam Hussein won the toss?
→ He elected to receive.
Why do all Iraqi soldiers carry a piece of sandpaper?
→ They need a map....
AP - Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, countered President Clinton's firm denial:
- I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face.
- This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet this challenge the only way that I know how: head on.
- I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it.
- Thank you. - Monica Lewinsky
Similarities between presidents Richard Nixon and Bill Clinton:
Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Water Bed
Nixon: His biggest fear: the Cold War
Clinton: His biggest fear: a Cold Sore
Nixon: Carpet bombing
Clinton: Carpet burns
Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek
Clinton: His Vice President is a geek
Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her
Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18-minute gap in the Watergate tape
Clinton: Couldn't explain the 38-DD bra in his briefcase
Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick
Clinton: No difference
Nixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sex-President
Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
Clinton: Know for women pointing at him and say "He's the one"
Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak
Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak
Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
Clinton: Well acquainted with G Spot
Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor
Clinton: Talked of getting a piece while on her
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Compliment her, respect her, honor her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, hold her, go to the ends of the Earth for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked. Bring food/beer.
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted...:
- Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife.
Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class:
- Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions.
Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly:
- Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this!
With that she sat down red-faced.
Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question.
Miss Johnson, with composure replied:
- The pupil of the eye, in dim light.
- Correct - said Mr. Perkins.
- And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you:
- One, you have not studied your lesson.
- Two, you have a dirty mind.
- And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment!
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
→ 45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
→ 45 minutes
Life stinks - I lent a guy ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now I don't know what he looks like!
What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
→ Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
→ $3.99 a minute.
How are women and rocks alike?
→ You skip the flat ones.
Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
→ It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy!
What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
→ Humpme Dumpme.
What does Bill say to Hillary after having Sex?
→ "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
