Women Jokes — best jokes

How are women like elevators?
→ Only about half go down.

The seven kinds of passionate women

1. The Optimist - "Yes! Yes! Yes!"
2. The Pessimist - "No! No! No!"
3. The Confused - "Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! Yes! No! No!"
4. The Asthmatic - written rendition of gasping
5. The Sprinter - "Faster! Agh! Faster! Faster!"
6. The Religious - "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!"
7. The Mathematician - "More! More! More! More!"

What is the loose skin around the pussy called?
→ The woman.

The recent announcement that Mattel and the producers of "Baywatch" have joined forces to create Baywatch Barbie came as no surprise.

After all, both companies have made millions off airheads with flawless skins, Malibu tans, and synthetic breasts.

If Baywatch Barbie sells well, other Barbie/TV tie-ins seem certain to follow. Some possibilities:

Melrose Place Barbie: Comes complete with her Barbie Dream Apartment, where Skipper and the rest of the gang live rent-free. Other accessories include a bottle of vodka, silk sheets and an arrest warrant.

Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman: This helpful doll offers other homesteaders important tips like what conditioner to use out on the Plains and how to take care of their nails while shoeing a horse.

America's Most Wanted Barbie: She's on the run after 30 years of crime against feminism.

Oprah Barbie: Push a button on her back and this Barbie actually speaks! Hold your very own talk show with topics like how tough math class is, Ballerina Barbie's struggle with bulimia, and Kens who wear Barbie's clothes.

My So-Called Barbie: She faces the same troubling issues as regular teens who don't have huge wardrobes, pools, ponies, and perfect bods.

Roseanne Barbie: The dark side of the American dream is explored with this doll, which shows what happened after Barbie graduated from high school, married too young and ate too much.

Murder, Barbie Wrote: Whenever this elder stateswoman of the Barbie set (she's 27!) arrives in the playhouse, all the other dolls mysteriously disappear.

What do you get if you put your hand down a psychic's pants?
→ Your palm red once a month.

The Perfect Day - Her

• 8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
• 9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
• 9:30 Light Breakfast
• 11:00 Sunbathe
• 12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
• 1:45 Shopping
• 2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
• 3:00 Facial, massage, nap
• 7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
• 10:00 Make love
• 11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

The Perfect Day - Him

• 6:45 Alarm.
• 7:00 Shower and massage.
• 7:30 Blowjob.
• 7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
• 8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
• 8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
• 9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
• 11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
• 12:30 Blowjob.
• 12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
• 2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
• 3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.
• 6:15 Blowjob.
• 6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
• 7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
• 8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).
• 9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
• 10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
• 11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave.
• Midnight Blowjob
• Sleep

Have you heard about the new line of Tampax with bells and tinsel?
→ It's for the Christmas period.

When the milkman found a note on one of his customer's doors asking for 16 gallons instead of the usual quart, he rang the bell.

"Sorry to bother you, ma'am," he said, "but are you sure you want sixteen gallons of milk today?"

"Oh, yes," said the lady of the house. "I'm going to take a milk bath."

"Do you want it pasteurized?"

"No, just up to my tits would be fine."

Why did god invent alcohol?
→ So fat women can get laid too.

How is a woman like a road?
→ Both have manholes.