Random joke from this category
A student comes to a young professor's office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
- I would do anything to pass this exam.
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
- I mean.. - she whispers:
- .. I would do ANYTHING!!
He returns her gaze.
- Anything??
- Yes,.. Anything! - She says.
His voice turns to a whisper.
- Would you.. study??
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads:
- For Women Only.
Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.
- We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside.
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads:
- All the men on this floor are short and plain.
The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads:
- All the men here are short and handsome.
Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads:
- All the men here are tall and plain.
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect:
- All the men here are tall and handsome.
The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads:
- There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.
A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife:
- Where did you get that necklace?
She replies:
- I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner.
The next day, the woman arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks:
- Where did you get the bracelet?
She replies:
- I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner.
The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says:
- I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?
She replies:
- Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper.
Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband:
- HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub.
He replies:
- I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet.
He said:
- I don't know why you wear a bra you've got nothing to put in it.
She said:
- You wear briefs, don't you?
He said:
- Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said:
- Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
He said:
- Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said:
- Well, you have succeeded.
He said:
- You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?
She said:
- No, have you?
He said:
- Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?
She said:
- Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.
He said:
- Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said:
- Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
- I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?
His new bride said:
- No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night.. whether you're here or not.
The out-of-state couple are camping on the shores of a lake near a tiny hamlet. The young wife, stunningly built, decides to give the local town folk a thrill by sun bathing in the nude.
- That's OK with me, honey - says her husband.
- I'll go get some wood for the fire.
About thirty minutes later, the husband returns to the campsite and finds his wife in tears. One of her breasts has been painted green, the other red and her ass is blue.
- What on earth happened to you dear? - he asks.
- Some of those rednecks from town came over and told me they don't allow any nakedness around these parts. Then they gave me this paint job!
- Damn those trouble-makers! I'll fix them! - the husband shouts.
He rides into town and finds the rednecks in a bar.
- Who is the SOB who painted my wife red, green and blue! - he shouts.
A huge redneck, about 6'-8, steps forward, a shotgun in his hand.
- I did it - he bellows.
- What you got to say about it?
The husband answers meekly:
- I just wanted you to know the first coat of paint is dry.
Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea.
- I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous.
- My Billy used to do the same thing, the older woman replied. But I broke him of the habit.
- How?
- I hid his teeth.
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam:
- Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever.
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks:
- What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says:
- Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
According to a news report, a certain private school recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of middle school girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators.
A couple go on holiday to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says:
- Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?
- Reading a book - she replies (thinking it was obvious).
- You're in a restricted fishing area - he informs her.
- I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I am reading - she replies.
- Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up - the warden says.
- If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault - says the woman.
- But I haven't even touched you! - says the game warden.
- That's true, but you have all the equipment.
