Women Jokes — best jokes

Two girls were roommates.

One evening, Millie came running in, shedding clothes on the way to the bathroom.

She yelled, "Hurry up Tillie, get ready for our date!"

Tillie didn't know anything about the date and said so.

Millie explained that she'd met two really great looking guys and had made dates for both of them for that evening.

Tillie said, "I'm not going out on any more blind dates."

"Why not?"

"They're always the same," said Tillie, "It's sex, sex, sex! Nothing but a pain in the ass!"

Millie looked at her in disbelief and exclaimed, "Honey, you're doing it wrong!"

What's a brunette's mating call?
→ Has that blonde gone yet?
→ When is that blonde bitch going to leave!?
→ "All the blondes have gone home!"

What's the difference between a terrorist and a wife?
→ You can negotiate with the terrorist!

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one of them $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man:

- I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much.

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and stereo and gives them to the man. She says:

- I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much.

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 and reinvests the rest. She says:

- I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
→ Nothing, you already told her to shut up twice.

How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?
→ None - it should be open when she brings it to you!

A man walking along a beach finds a lamp, picks it up, rubs it and this genie pops out.

The genie says:

- For releasing me I shall grant you one wish!

The man thinks for a minute, and says:

- I want you to build a bridge to Hawaii. I'm scared of flying and tend to get seasick.

The genie replies:

- My good lad, do you realize how much it will take to do that? First of all, it will cost millions just to hire the workers. Not to mention all the materials it will take. In addition, there would need to be countless rest stops and gas stations and it would interfere with shipping lanes. I'm sorry, but it just can't be done. Please choose another wish!

The man thinks for a minute, and says:

- I want to be able to understand women.

The genie pauses for a moment and says:

- So, this bridge you want...two lanes or four?

Do you know what the height of hard upfullness is?
→ Two old ladies in an asparagus patch doing knee bends!

How can you tell when a blonde is having a bad day?
→ When she has a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

An Alaskan woman having car trouble pulls her Station Wagon into the local Exxon service station and has it looked over.

The Chillyland mechanic from under the hood says:

- Ma'am it looks like you blew a seal.

The Alaskan woman replies wiping her face:

- No, it's just Mayonaise.