Random joke from this category
What's the difference between a woman in the bath tub and a nun?
→ The nun has a soul full of hope.
What's the difference between a circus and a Las Vegas Dance Show?
→ The circus is an array of cunning stunts.
What do you have when you combine 50 women with a yeast infection in a room with 50 women suffering from PMS?--A wine & cheese party!
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help, I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!", she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain". She beganto massage his groin.
After a few moments she asked, "Does that feel better?"
The man looked up at her and replied, "Yes, that feels pretty good... but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
A lady was walking down the street when a small sign in the window of a shop caught her eye. She stopped, turned back and read the sign which said, "Clitoris licking frog available".
Checking to see that no one on the street was observing her, she hurriedly entered the shop, closing the door quickly behind her.
Inside there was a counter but no sign of activity or human presence. On the counter there was a bell with a sign on top saying: "Please ring for service"
The lady gave the bell a push. It rang but nothing happened. She hit the bell again and after a few minutes she heard a shuffling, slurping sort of sound and eventually a man emerged from a door behind the counter. "Bonjour madame"
Everyday I give thanks to God I was born a man instead of a broad
When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV
I don't shave my legs, I stand up to pee
I go to a barber, not a beauty salon
Don't pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on
Don't wax my pubes so I can wear shorts
I use my turn signal, I understand sports
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't go through a faze every 28 days
Man, I'm glad I'm a man
I pay cash at the grocery, no checks or coupons
Don't take a lot of friends when I go to the john
I don't throw a fit when I break a nail
I don't buy a lot of shoes just because they're on sale
I don't apply makeup in my rear-view mirror
I don't think of Bambi when I'm out hunting deer
I drink beer from a bottle, not from a glass
I don't ask my friends about the size of my ass
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't face the pain of water-weight gain
Man, I'm glad I'm a man
Let me tell you ladies
Listen to me ladies
I love those things inside of your blouse
I love your pretty faces
Your warm and soft embraces
But if I had my own two boobs, I'd never leave the house
I don't spend two hours getting ready for a date
I don't play with dolls unless they inflate
When someone asks me my age, I never lie
After sex in bed, my spot's always dry
I don't read about orgasms in Vogue magazines
I don't mind if my dates try to get in my jeans
I don't spend a fortune on French lingerie
This is the same underwear I wore yesterday
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't take a pill, I don't use Massengill
Man, I'm glad I'm a man
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I find Michael Bolton completely revoltin'
Man, I'm glad I'm a man
What do you say to a girl with no arms and no legs?
→ Hey... Nice Tits!!!
Cinderella REALLY wanted to go to Prince Charming's ball, but as you know the evil stepsisiers and stepmother will not let her. So they leave her all alone on the big night, cleaning the place.
"Oh, how I wish I could go!" Cinderella sighed.
No sooner had she said this than her Fairy Godmother appeared, holding a long, beautiful white dress.
"Here, god-child," the fairy said, "try this on."
So Cinderella puts the thing on, and it fits perfectly, except she notices some red drops on the white fabric. "Dammit," Cinderella said, "of all the lousy nights to get my period!"
So the God mother presents her with a magic Tampon to solve the problem, but the tampon has a warning on it: "Please return to the house by midnight or the tampon will be turned into a pumpkin."
Cinderella puts it in her and goes to the Ball.
Meanwhile, the Fairy Godmother awaits Cinderella's return. 10 o'clock -- 11 o'clock -- 12 o'clock -- 1 o'clock
Finally, at around 3 in the morning, a very out of breath Cinderella stumbles in.
"My God! What happened to you? What about the tampon? What about the prince?"
"Forget the prince," Cinderella sighed. "At around one o'clock I met the most amazing guy...
Peter Peter something..."
Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girls house. One day he is carrying a football, and he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says "See this football? Football is a boys game and girls can't have one!" The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football.
The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling "Nah na nah na nah". The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. "See this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls can't have them!"
Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boys bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his most private of parts, and says "You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can't go buy you one!"
The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl "Well, what do you have to say NOW?" So she pulls up her dress and says...
"My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"
"I'm going fishing."
→ Really means "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"Let's take your car."
→ Really means "Mine is full of beer cans and burger wrappers and is completely out of gas."
"Woman driver."
→ Really means "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."
"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
→ Really means "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."
"It's a guy thing."
→ Really means "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
→ Really means "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
→ Really mean absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.
"Good idea."
→ Really means "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."
"Have you lost weight?"
→ Really means "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."
"My wife doesn't understand me."
→ Really means "She's heard all my stories before and is tired of them."
"It would take too long to explain."
→ Really means "I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately."
→ Really means "The batteries in the remote are dead."
"I got a lot done."
→ Really means "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."
"We're going to be late."
→ Really means "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Hey, I've read all the classics."
→ Really means "I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."
"You cook just like my mother used to."
→ Really means "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
→ Really means "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
→ Really means "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
→ Really means "Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
→ Really means "I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me."
→ Really means "You want me to stay awake."
"It's a really good movie."
→ Really means "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."
"That's women's work."
→ Really means "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"Will you marry me?"
→ Really means "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
"Go ask your mother."
→ Really means "I am incapable of making a decision."
"You know how bad my memory is."
→ Really means "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you and got you these roses."
→ Really means "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Football is a man's game."
→ Really means "Women are generally too smart to play it."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
→ Really means "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house."
→ Really means "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
→ Really means "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
→ Really means "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
→ Really means "What did you catch me at?"
"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
→ Really means "You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."
"She's one of those rabid feminists."
→ Really means "She refused to make my coffee."
"But I hate to go shopping."
→ Really means "Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."
"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
→ Really means "You may actually get it to start."
"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
→ Really means "I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."
"I heard you."
→ Really means "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
→ Really means "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific."
→ Really means "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I brought you a present."
→ Really means "It was Free Ice Scraper Night at the ball game."
"I missed you."
→ Really means "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
→ Really means "No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework."
→ Really means "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
"This relationship is getting too serious."
→ Really means "I like you more than my truck."
"I recycle."
→ Really means "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."
"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
→ Really means "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"
"It sure snowed last night."
→ Really means "I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."
"It's good beer."
→ Really means "It was on sale."
"I don't need to read the instructions."
→ Really means "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
→ Really means "If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."
"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
→ Really means "Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."
"I broke up with her."
→ Really means "She dumped me."
25 rules for Women to follow:
