Women Jokes — best jokes

A bridegroom, the first night he was in bed with his bride, said, "When I solicited your chastity, if you had granted, I would not have married you."

"Faith, I thought as much," said the cunning lady, "but as I had been cheated two or three times before, I was determined not to be fool'd again!"

Here lies my wife in earthy mould; when she lived did naught but scold.
Good friends go softly in your walking; lest she should wake and rise up talking.

On the way home from the party, the woman said to her husband, "Have I ever told you how handsome and sexy and irresistible to women you are?"

"Why no," said the husband, flattered.

"Then what the hell gave you that idea at the party?!" she yelled.

When we were dating, my husband used to always tell me those three magic words, "I love you". Now that we are married, those three magic words have become, "What's for dinner?"

When we were dating, my husband would gently rub me with hot oil while he affectionately called me lovely nicknames. Now that we are married, he gently rubs his car with hot wax, which now has its own pet nickname.

When we were dating, my husband would always love to watch me undress. Now that we are married, he loves to watch championship wrestling.

When we were dating, my husband read poetry to me as he caressed me in his arms late into the night. Now that we are married, he quotes me sports statistics and stock prices during breakfast.

When we were dating, my husband would passionately motivate and urge me on in whatever I did, whether it was at my job or during sex. Now that we are married, the only thing he passionately urges on is his favorite football team.

When we were dating, my husband would make love to me on his waterbed like a sex-starved wild beast who would go on and on. So we called the bed our "Ocean Of Motion Love Potion". Now that we are married, the bed has been renamed "The Dead Sea".

Why don't most women ever tell their husbands when they're really enjoying sex?
→ Because their husbands are never there when it happens!

What do most women miss most about being single?
→ Having sex!

Besides "I love you", what three words does a wife want to hear most?
→ "I'll fix it."

What's the best way to have your husband remember your anniversary?
→ Get married on his birthday.

Tom and Jeni are having one of their occasional disputes of opinion. Tom took off his pants and threw them at Jeni, yelling, "Hey, woman, can you fill these pants up?"

"Of course not, you jerk. You know I can't."

"You're right. You can't. I wear the pants in this family."

So Jeni took off her panties and threw them at Tom, yelling, "Hey, jerk, can you get into these panties?"

"Hell no! They're too small and dainty!"

"And you won't either, until you change your treatment of me!"

Watching her mother as she tried on her new mink coat, the daughter protested, "Mom, do you realize some poor, dumb beast suffered so you could have that coat?"

Her mother glared back at her and said, "Don't talk about your father that way!"