Women Jokes — best jokes

How do you change a dishwasher into a snow blower? Give her a shovel!

~WHAT DO YOU CALL A SPICE GIRL WITH TWO BRAIN CELLS? PREGNANT~WHAT DO YOU CALL A SPICE GIRL BEHIND A STEERING WHEEL? AN AIRBAG~WHAT DO YOU SEE WHEN YOU LOOK INTO A SPICE GIRLS EYES? THE BACK OF HER HEAD

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: I don't freakin' think so!

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

In downtown Roanoke, at a crowded bus stop, a good friend of mine was waiting for her bus. She's very attractive and was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time a big burly man that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned to the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch me!! I don't even know who you are!"

At this, the big guy drawled, "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends!"

One day a man was walking along the beach when he found a bottle, when he opened it up a genie poped out. The genie said he could have one wish. The man thought about it a while then told the man that he was afraid of heights and got sea sick, but really wanted to go to Hawaii so he asked the genie to make a highway to Hawaii.

"I don't know," said the genie, "that is really difficult. Do you have another request?"

"Well, I really want to know all about women, you know, how they tick and why their the way they are!"

The genie replied: "Will that be two lanes or four?"

A guy walks into a store to buy brains. He asks the woman behind the counter how much each of the brains cost. They saleswoman tells him, "$5/gram for women's brains, $20/gram for dog's brains, and $100/gram for men's brains."

So the guy is surprised with the varying prices, and he asks the saleswoman, "How come men's brain's are so much more expensive than women's brains or dog's brains?" And the saleswoman replies, "Are you kidding!?!?!?!? Do you know how many men it takes to get a gram of brains????"

What's the definition of a lesbian?
→ A woman doing a man's job better again!

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.

The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly towards him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house!"

Why do women have smaller feet than men??
→ So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink!

The dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door... which do you let in first?
→ The dog of course, at least he'll shut up once he's inside!

What do you call a woman with 2 brain cells?
→ Pregnant

What do you call a woman that has lost 95% of her intelligence?
→ Divorced