Women Jokes — best jokes

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
→ She starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
→ It allows them to stand closer to the sink.

'You never get anything right,' complained the teacher. 'What kind of job do you think you'll get when you leave school?'
'Well, I want to be the weather girl on TV.'

A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him.
And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."

Men are like government bonds.

They take so long to mature.

Men are like bike helmets.

They are handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like mascara.

They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like placemats.

They only show up when there's food on the table.

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place and stay for breakfast the next morning.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies, "you just happened to catch my eye."

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.

"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.

"That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.

"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."

The clerk handed him a mirror.