Women Jokes — best jokes

The young lady entered the doctor's office carrying an infant. "Doctor," she explained, "the baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week." The medic examined the child and then started to squeeze the girl's breasts. He then unbuttoned her blouse, removed the bra and began powerfully sucking on one nipple. "Young lady," he finally announced, "no wonder the baby is losing weight, you haven't any milk!" "Of course not!" she shrieked. "It's not my child, it's my sister's!"

A young lady walks into a doctors office. "Doctor I'm suffering from a terrible discharge" The Doctor lays her down lifts up her dress and has a good probe around and says "how does that feel?" Young lady, "Oooh doctor that feels lovely..... ...but the discharge is from my ear!!"

Three nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for. Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor. The first nurse said, "I put cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn't hear." The second nurse said, "Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all his condoms." The third nurse fainted.

This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth." The woman then says with anticipated agony, "Ooooohhhh, I'd rather have a baby!" To which the dentist replies: "Well make up your mind. I have to adjust the chair."

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.

- Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little...

- Like this?

- A little more...

- Like this?

- No. A little more...

- Like this?

- Yes. Does that hurt?

- A little bit.

- Now stretch it over your head!

One of Sigmund Freud's early patients rushed out into an Austrian afternoon on her way to meet her best friend at a coffee house. Over Cappuccino and Viennese pastries, she suddenly burst out crying.

Her friend begged her to share what was wrong.

"Oh, it's just terrible," she wailed. "Today the doctor told me I'm in love with my father, and. . .and. . .and you know, he's a married man!"

A very homely young woman made an appointment with a psychiatrist.

She walked into his office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely.

I don't have any friends, no man will come near me, and everybody laughs at me.

Can you help me accept my ugliness?"

"I'm sure I can," the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."

Sobel goes into the optometrist's office.

He opens the door and says to the receptionist, "I think I need my eyes checked."

She says, "You're not kidding. This is the Ladies Room."

A very well-built young lady was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was. "I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too."

The shrink thought for a moment and said... "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"

The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says... "Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!"

A man went to the doctor's. The doctor came in and said, "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor. The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants and there has been an accident right out front and a young couple was killed and you can have whichever brain you'd like. The man's brain costs $100,000.00 and the woman's brain costs $30,000.00."

The patient could not help but ask, "Why such a large difference between the male and the female brain?" The doctor replied, "The female brain is used."