Travel Jokes — best jokes

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

Sign in a Rome laundry: "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time."
Sign in the window of a Swedish furrier: "Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin."
Sign on the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: "Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life."
Detour sign in Kobe, Japan: "Stop: Drive Sideways."
Sign in a Swiss mountain inn: "Special today -- no ice cream."
Sign in a Copenhagen airline ticket office: "We take your bags and send them in all directions."
Sign on the door of a Moscow hotel room: "If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it."
Sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge: "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

Sign in the office of a Roman doctor: "Specialist in women and other diseases."
Sign in a Tokyo shop: "Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run."
Sign from a Japanese booklet about using a hotel air CONDITIONER: "COOLERS AND HEATERS: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself."
Two signs from a Morrocan shop entrance: "English well talking." "Here speeching American."
Sign at a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."
Sign from a translated sentence from a Russian chess book: "A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played."
Sign at a garage in Hertfordshire: "Please do not smoke near the pumps. If your life isn't worth anything - gas is!"
Sign on the menu of a Swiss restaurant: "Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."

Cold shredded children and sea blubber in spicy sauce - China
Indonesian Nazi Goreng - Hong Kong
Muscles Of Marines/Lobster Thermos - Cairo
French fried ships - Cairo
Garlic Coffee - Europe
Sole Bonne Femme (Fish Landlady style) - Europe
Boiled Frogfish - Europe
Sweat from the trolley - Europe
Dreaded veal cutlet with potatoes in cream - China
Rainbow Trout, Fillet Streak, Popotoes, Chocolate Mouse - Hong Kong
Roasted duck let loose - Poland
Beef rashers beaten up in the country peoples fashion - Poland
Fried friendship - Nepal
Strawberry crap - Japan
Pork with fresh garbage - Vietnam
Toes with butter and jam - Bali
French Creeps - L.A.
Fried fishermen - Japan
Teppan Yaki - Before Your Cooked Right Eyes - Japan
Pepelea's Meat Balls - Romania

Product Names

Clean Finger Nail - Chinese tissues
Kolic - Japanese mineral water
Creap Creamy Powder - Japanese Coffee Creamer
Swine - Chinese chocolates
Libido - Chinese soda
Pocari Sweat - Japanese sport drink
Shocking - Japanese chewing gum
Cat Wetty - Japanese moistened hand towels
Pipi - Yugoslavian orangeade
Polio - Czechoslovakian laundry detergent
Crundy - Japanese gourmet candy
Superglans - Netherlands car wax
I'm Dripper - Japanese instant coffee
Zit - Greek soft drink
Colon Plus - Spanish detergent

A bleached blonde and a natural blonde were on top of the Empire State Building. How do you tell them apart?
→ The bleached blonde would never throw bread to the helicopters.

A depressed young blonde was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," the blonde explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He sure is, lady... This is the Staten Island Ferry!"

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?"

The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand".

"OK" said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?"

"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert."

"Thanks Mom" replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??"

The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods."

"That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water. But Mom"

"Yes son?"

"Why the heck are we in the San Diego Zoo?"

A man on a business trip in Mexico decides to take in a bull fight. After the event, he stops in to the little dive next to the venue called "The Matador". As he checks out the menu trying to decide what he wants he sees a waiter bring a dish to another customer. The dish is spaghetti with these two huge meat balls. When the waiter comes to his table, he inquires.

"That is the Matador Special," replies the waiter. "Spaghetti and Bull testicles. We get them after the bull fight. It is exquisite!"

"That's what I'll have!", says the businessman.

"I'm very sorry senor, but that dish is only available once per day".

Disappointed, the man orders another dish and plans to try again the next day. So again, the next day he goes to the bull fights, and afterwards stops into the dive. Just as the waiter is coming to his table, he sees another waiter bringing the Matador Special to another customer who was there before him.

"Damn!" he says to himself. "And tomorrow's my last day here."

So the next day, he skips the bull fight, and stands in line at the cafe. He is the first one seated, and proudly proclaims, "I'll have the Matador Special!"

"Very well, senor!" responds the waiter. Soon afterwards, the waiter brings out his dish, but the meat balls are disappointingly small. Very small, as a matter of fact.

"What's with this!" the now angry man shouts.

"I'm very sorry, senor" said the waiter, "but the bull does not always lose!"

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"

"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."

"Oh really," she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour!"

Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him. The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport.

Next came the German. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard. "Nothing" said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off towards the airport.

The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?"

"Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the German".

Mrs. Ryan, a mean looking woman, claimed her husband was not thoughtful. In this she was wrong; her husband thought about her too much. One morning on his way to work, he thought about her so much that he got off the subway at 34th Street and went to the Greyhound Terminal and took a bus to Yuma, Arizona.