Travel Jokes — best jokes

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
2. Pilot-"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
6. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."
11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"
12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
13. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I as you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
16. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat.

Just before take-off a fat, little Jewish guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke." (Shuttle flights do not have cabin attendants, but you probably knew that.)

"No problem," said the Jew. "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone the Arab picked up the Jew's shoe and spit in it.

The Jew brought back the coke, when the other Arab said, "That looks good. Think I'll have one too."

Again, the Jew obligingly goes to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab picks up the other shoe and spits in it.

The Jew returns with the coke, and they all sit back and enjoy the short flight. When the plane was landing the Jew slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples ... this hatred ... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes!?!"

Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.

The first guy says "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms & hollers, '7 come 11' all night & I haven't had a wink of sleep!"

The second guy says "I know what you mean...my old lady played blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers 'hit me light or hit me hard', and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"

The third guy says "You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the whole time we were there... every morning, I wake up with a sore dingy and an butt full of quarters!"

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

Stumpy Grider and his Wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said "Ya know Mahtha, Ah'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane". Every year Martha would say, "Ah know, Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs". So Stumpy says, "By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, if I don't go this time I may nevah go".

Martha replies, "Stumpy, that theah aihplane ride is ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs".

So the pilot overhears them and says, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just one word and it's ten dollars".

They agree and up they go... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard; he does it one more time, still nothing... so fair is fair and he lands.

He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to make you hollar out, but you didn't!"

And Stumpy replies, "Well, Ah was gonna say something when Mahtha theah fell out... but then, ten dollahs IS ten dollahs!"

A panhandler was caught trying to sneak aboard a Princess liner about to embark on a three-day trip to the Bahamas.

He was caught by the Purser who threw him off the ship telling him, "Beggars can't be cruisers."

The truck driver stopped to picked up the girl hitchhiker in short shorts.

"Say, what's your name, mister?" she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck.

"It's Snow, Roy Snow," he answered, "and what's yours?"

"I'm June, June Hansen," she said. "Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?" she challenged the trucker some miles down the road.

"Can you imagine what it might be like," he countered with a question of his own, "having eight inches of Snow in June?"

A Blonde walks into a Restaraunt, and she goes straight to the bulletin board in the back. She looks at the bulletin board and sees a piece of paper that sais "Ocean Cruise Only 5$".

She pulls the piece of paper off the wall and goes to the address listed on the back of paper. She walks into the building and hands the secretary the piece of paper.

The secretary nods and asks if she had the five dollars. The blonde nods and pulls five dollars out of her pocket and hands it to the secretary.

The secretary looks over to a burly black guy reading a news paper. She nods to the black guy. He stands up and knocks the blonde unconcious.

When the blonde wakes up, she's tied to a log and is floating down river. She started to think that this was a bad idea, when all of a sudden she sees one of her friends, (who is also blonde) tied to a log floating right next to her.

The blonde she looks at her freind and says "So do you think they're going to serve us some food on this trip?"

And the other blonde replies "They didn't serve any last year?"

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.

The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can move aside to let him go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and hurls all over the big guy's chest.

About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.

"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling any better now?"

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works...

"We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome."

Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome."

The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman!"