Stats/Math Jokes — best jokes

Theorem: 1$ = 1c.

Proof:
And another that gives you a sense of money disappearing.
1$ = 100c
= (10c)^2
= (0.1$)^2
= 0.01$
= 1c
Here $ means dollars and c means cents. This one is scary in that I have seen PhD's in math who were unable to see what was wrong with this one. Actually I am crossposting this to sci.physics because I think that the latter makes a very nice introduction to the importance of keeping track of your dimensions.

Theorem: 3=4
Proof:
Suppose:
a + b = c
This can also be written as:
4a - 3a + 4b - 3b = 4c - 3c
After reorganizing:
4a + 4b - 4c = 3a + 3b - 3c
Take the constants out of the brackets:
4 * (a+b-c) = 3 * (a+b-c)
Remove the same term left and right:
4 = 3

Theorem : All numbers are equal to zero.

Proof: Suppose that a=b. Then
a = b
a^2 = ab
a^2 - b^2 = ab - b^2
(a + b)(a - b) = b(a - b)
a + b = b
a = 0
Furthermore if a + b = b, and a = b, then b + b = b, and 2b = b, which mean that 2 = 1.

Theorem: All positive integers are equal.

Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B.
Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B.
Proceed by induction.

If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1. So A = B.
Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence (A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B.

A survey of home burglars' work preferences published in Whittle Communications' Special Report magazine revealed that 32 percent like to browse through family photographs while on the job, 27 percent like to raid the refrigerator, and 7 percent watch TV.

Seventy percent of the 191 imprisoned burglars reported they like to limit their jobs to a 20-minute maximum, 17 percent wondered what their victims were like, and 59 percent said a dog in the home was the most effective burglary deterrent.

The odds of winnning the California lottery by matching all six numbers are 14 times greater than the odds of being struck by lightening, according to Lottery magazine. the figure drops to nine times greater in New Jersey, six times greater in Pennsylvania, and four times greater in Connecticut.

Facts about Americans. Did you know that . . .

• Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.
• 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.

• Men do 29% of laundry each week.
• Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.
• 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
• 67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).
• 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.
• 13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring's homework.
• 91% of us lie regularly.
• 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.
• 29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store.
• 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.
• 90% believe in divine retribution.
• 10% believe in the 10 Commandments.
• 82% believe in an afterlife.
• 45% believe in ghosts.
• 13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.
• 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.
• 10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.

• Over 50% believe in spanking - but only a child over 2 years old.
• 35% give to charity at least once a month.

How far would you go for $10 million?

• 25% would abandon their friends, family, and church.
• 7% would murder.
• 69% eat the cake before the frosting.

• When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.
• 85% of us will eat Spam this year.
• 70% of us drink orange juice daily.

• Snickers is the most popular candy.
• 22% of us skip lunch daily.
• 9% of us skip breakfast daily.
• 66% of us eat cereal regularly.
• 22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.
• 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.

• Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.
• 45% use mouthwash every day.
• 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.

• The typical shower is 101 degrees F.
• Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.
• 9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.
• 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.
• 58% of women paint their nails regularly.
• 33% of women lie about their weight.
• 10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.
• 57% have had deja vu.
• 49% believe in ESP.
• 44% have broken a bone.

• Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.
• 14% have attended a self-help meeting.
• 15% regularly go to a shrink.
• 78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.
• 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.
• 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.
• 39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet.
• 17% have been caught by the host.
• 29% of us ignore RSVP.
• 71.6% of us eavesdrop.
• 22% are functionally illiterate.

• Less than 10% are trilingual.
• 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.
• 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.
• 56% of women do the bills in a marriage.
• 2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up their spouse even for a night for a million U.S. dollars.
• 20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.
• 40% of us have had music lessons.
• 44% reuse tinfoil.
• 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.
• 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.
• 53% read their horoscopes regularly.
• 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).
• 59% of us say we're average-looking.

• Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.
• 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.
• 53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.
• 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.

• On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.
• 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.
• 2 out of 5 have married their first love.

• The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.

• Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.
• 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.
• 6% propose over the phone.
• 71% can drive a stick-shift car.
• 45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit.
• 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.
• 1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.
• 12% of men never use their car blinkers.
• 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.
• 25% of us drive after we've been drinking.
• 4 out of 5 sing in the car.

100 Buckets of Bits

100 buckets of bits on the bus
100 buckets of bits
Take one down, short it to ground
FF buckets of bits on the bus

FF buckets of bits on the bus
FF buckets of bits
Take one down, short it to ground
FE buckets of bits on the bus

....

In a recent contest in The Washington Post, readers were asked to take an expression using a number, add or subtract one, and create a new definition:

• The Year 2001 Problem: How to find jobs for all those programmers hired to solve the Year 2000 problem.
• Catch-23: Complete the previous catch before proceeding to this step.
• Fortune 501: Levi Strauss makes the list, but just by the seat of its pants.
• Motel 5: If you're not there by midnight, they turn off the light.
• Dressed to the Eights: Impeccably attired with white socks.
• Six Brides for Seven Brothers: Someone's gonna get hurt !
• Snow White and the Eight Dwarfs: The title, before they expelled Gassy.
• Five Eyes: Other kids can be so cruel when you are Siamese twins, and one of you is wearing a monocle.
• 665: The mark on the forehead of Satan's slightly less evil brother, Ralph.

From Harper's Magazine:
Amount of pizza eaten each day in U.S. (acres): 75