Stats/Math Jokes — best jokes

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. And since we KNOW they don't do a d***** thing, this leaves 19 million to do the work.

Four million are in the Armed Forces (i.e. let's soak up more tax dollars while we play "Doom"), which leaves 15 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.

There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you're sitting there reading humor funnies.

No wonder I'm tired; I'm the doing ALL of the work myself!

TEST:

DO NOT SKIP AHEAD. Read this message ONE LINE AT A TIME and just do what it says. You will be glad you did. If not, you'll feel like an idiot and wish you had listened.

1. pick a number from 1-9
2. subtract 5
3. multiply by 3
4. square the number (multiply by the same number -- not square root) and if it's negative make it positive.
5. add the digits until you get only one digit (i.e. 64=6+4= 10= 1+0=1)
6. if the number is less than 5, add five. Otherwise subtract 4.
7. multiply by 2
8. subtract 6
9. map the digit to a letter in the alphabet 1=A, 2=B, 3=C, etc...
10. pick a name of a country that begins with that letter
11. take the second letter in the country name and think of a mammal that begins with that letter
12. think of the color of that mammal

DO NOT SCROLL DOWN UNTIL YOU HAVE DONE ALL OF THE ABOVE

Here it comes, NO CHEATING or you'll be sorry....................

You have a grey elephant from Denmark!

OK, let's consider the physical evidence.

The moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the Earth every year.

Do the math and you will clearly see that 85 million years ago it was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs; the tallest ones, anyway.

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"

"But that's right!"

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

His father asks, "What's the fucking difference?"

Johnny says, "That's exactly what I said!"

Why do blondes like the GST? (GST -- Goods and Services Tax now in effect in Canada)
→ Because they can spell it.

What is 74 to a blonde?
→ 69 plus G. S. T.

Recently, on an outing with my scout troop, the question came up of when the new millenium will begin--January 1st 2000 or 2001.

So the Scoutmaster explained that each century begins with year "1" and ends with year "100" - thus the reason why the 20th century began at the start of 1901 and will end at the close of 2000.

To illustrate his point, he gathered 15 berries and asked the boys how many he had.

Each boy correctly answered "15".

His next question was, "Now which berry is number '0'?"

To which one boy blurted out, "The one that isn't there!"

Ther was this Indian chief, and he had three wives. They slept in the same tent. One on a bear skin, one on a buffalo skin and one on a hippopotamus skin.

After a time the three had children. The one that slept on the bear skin had a baby boy, the one on the buffalo skin had a baby girl, and the one on the hippopotamus skin had a baby boy and a baby girl, proving that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the sqaws on the other two hides!!!

Why is six afraid of seven?
→ Because seven eight nine!

1. Coca-cola was originally green.
2. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury.
3. Smartest dogs: 1) border collie; 2)poodle; 3)golden retriever.
4. Dumbest dog: Afghan
5. Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
6. Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
7. Chances that an American lives within 50 miles of where they grew up: 1 in 2
8. Amount American Airlines saved in '87 by taking out 1 olive from each salad served in first class: $40,000
9. City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong
10. State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
11. Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 4
12. Portion of US annual rainfall that falls in April: 1/12
13. Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
14. Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
15. Estimated % of American adults who go on diet each year: 44%
16. Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33
17. Average number of days a West German goes without washing his underwear: 7
18. Percentage of Americans who say that God has spoken to them: 36%
19. Percentage of Americans who regularly attend religious services: 43%
20. City with highest per capita viewership of TV evangelists: Washington DC
21. Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80%
22. % of American women who say they would marry the same man: 50%
23. % of men who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 58%
24. % of women who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 85%
25. Number of different family relationships for which Hallmark makes cards: 105
26. Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
27. Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.
28. Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland or Disney World: 70%
29. Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
30. Portion of ice cream sold that is vanilla: 1/3
31. Portion of potatoes sold that are French fried: 1/3
32. Percentage of Americans that eat at McDonald's each day: 7
33. Percentage of bird species that are monogamous: 90%
34. Percentage of mammal species that are: 3%
35. Number of US states that claim test scores in their elementary schools are above national average: 50%
36. Portion of Harvard students who graduate with honors: 4/5
37. Chances that a burglary in the US will be solved: 1 in 7.
38. Portion of land in the US owned by the government: 1/3
39. Only President to remain a bachelor: James Buchanon
40. Only first lady to carry a loaded revolver: Eleanor Roosevelt
41. Only President to win a Pulitzer: John F. Kennedy for "Profiles in Courage"
42. Only President awarded a patent: Abe Lincoln, for a system of buoying vessels over shoals
43. Only food that does not spoil: honey
44. Only person to win $64,000 Challenge and $64,000 Question: Dr. Joyce Brothers (subject is boxing)
45. Only bird that can fly backwards: Hummingbird
46. Only continent without reptiles or snakes: Antarctica
47. Only animal besides human that can get sunburn: pig
48. Ostriches stick their heads in the sand to look for water.
49. An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it.
50. In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees.
51. Polar bears are left-handed.
52. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
53. Eskimos never gamble.
54. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
55. The youngest pope was 11 years old.
56. Mark Twain didn't graduate from elementary school.
57. Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses.
58. Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner.
59. Your nose and ears never stop growing.
60. Jupiter is bigger than all the other planets in our solar system combined.
61. Hot water is heavier than cold.
62. The parachute was invented by da Vinci in 1515.
63. They have square watermelons in Japan. They stack better.
64. Cream does not weigh as much as milk.
65. Starfish have eight eyes-one at the end of each leg.
66. Iceland consumes more Coca-cola per capita than any other nation.
67. First novel ever written on a typewriter was "Tom Sawyer."
68. There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year.
69. Heinz Catsup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles per year.
70. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.
71. Men get hiccups more often than women.
72. Armadillos can be housebroken.

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"