Situations — best jokes

Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio.

"There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared," the weather report said.

"You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets."
Ole said, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee. The next day they were sitting down with their morning cups of coffee.

The weather forecast was, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets."

Again Ole replied, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee. Two days later, again they're sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast said, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and the power went out and Ole didn't get the rest of the instructions.

He turned to Lena, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?" Lena replied, "Aw, Ole, just leave the car in the damned garage today."

Who is it that everybody listens to but nobody believes?
→ The weatherman.

What kind of umbrella does the Queen of England carry on a rainy day?
→ A wet one.

If six children and two dogs were under an umbrella, how come none of them got wet?
→ Because it wasn't raining.

A man was driving a black truck. His lights were not on. The moon was not out. A lady was crossing the street. How did the man see her?
→ It was a bright, sunny day.

A city boy was on his first camping trip.
He was eating his lunch under a tree when an old-timer came along.
'It smells like rain,' he said to the boy.
The city boy replied, 'They said it was lemonade.'

- How did you find the weather at camp?

- It was easy. I just went outside - and there it was!

- Waiter! Waiter! This salad is frozen solid.

- Yes, sir. It's the iceberg lettuce that does it.

"Waiter!" shouted the furious diner, "How dare you serve me this!
There's a damn TWIG in my soup!"

"My apologies," said the waiter. "I'll inform the branch manager."

- Waiter, my lunch is talking to me!

- Well you did ask for a tongue sandwich!