Situations — best jokes

True story: A friend's mom was driving in Canada. She was going through a park area. She sped up. Suddenly, she was pulled over by a park ranger. She decided to see if she could be cute and get herself out of a speeding ticket. When the officer approached her car, she asked innocently:

- Gee, officer, did you pull me over to give me a ticket to the policemen's ball?

To that, he replied:

- No ma'am. We're Rangers! We don't have any balls! He continued to write down some information.

After about a half a minute, the ranger looked up, turned red, and muttered:

- Never mind. He closed his ticket book, got in his car, and drove off - no ticket was issued.

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate:

- Bring me my red shirt!

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed:

- Bring me my red shirt!

And once again the battle was on. However, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked:

- Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted:

- If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid. The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed:

- Bring me my brown pants!

A guy was driving his car at the speed of 80 mph when he saw the flashing red and blue lights.

Thinking that the cop might not be able to catch him, he accelerated to 110 mph. He finally came to some sense and pulled over to the side. The cop stepped out, took his license and examined it without a word. He looked at the driver and said:

- I've had a tough shift and this is my last pullover. I don't feel like doing anymore paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!

The driver blinked only once while his brain scramble for a reply.

- Last week my wife ran off with a cop - he said:

- and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!

- Off you go - said the officer.

Redneck Driver's License Application...

Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.

Last name: ________________
First name: [] Billy-Bob [] Bobby-Sue [] Billy-Joe [] Bobby-Jo [] Billy-Ray [] Bobby-Ann [] Billy-Sue [] Bobby-Lee [] Billy-Mae [] Bobby-Ellen [] Billy-Jack [] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: []M []F [_]None
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation: [] Farmer [] Mechanic [] Hair Dresser [] Waitress [] Un-employed [] Dirty Politician
Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse: [] Sister [] Aunt [] Brother [] Uncle [] Mother [] Son [] Father [] Daughter [] Cousin [] Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education what was your major? [] 5th grade [] 6th grade
Do you [] own or [] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them: ___
Total number of vehicles you own ___
Number of vehicles that still crank ___
Number of vehicles in front yard ___
Number of vehicles in back yard ___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you are still slow lerrnin ? [] Yes [] No)
Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ kitchen ____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse ____ shed ____ pawnshop
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack? [] Yes [] No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: [] The National Enquirer [] The Globe [] TV Guide [] Soap Opera Digest [] Rifle and Shotgun [] Bassmasters
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe: [] Weekly [] Monthly [_] Not Applicable
How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
Color of teeth: [] Yellow [] Brownish-Yellow [] Brown [] Black [_] N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: [] Red-Man [] Skoal
How far is your home from a paved road? [] 1 mile [] 2 miles [_] don't know

If a tree falls in a forest, and lands on a mime... does anyone care?

Why did the fish Blush?

Because it saw the ocean's bottom.

1. You can name everyone you graduated with2. You get a whiff of manure and think of home3. You know what 4-H is4. You ever went to "headlight parties"5. You used to drag "main"6. You said the 'f' word and your parents knew within the hour7. You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones will bust you and which ones won't8. You ever went cow-tipping9. You have ever partied with a guy who is 25, has no job, but is the 'buyer' for all of the best parties10. You have parties at the same guy's house12. School gets cancelled for state sporting events13. The town social events are their children's14. You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and, if you were old enough, they'd tell your parents, anyhow)15. When you did find someone old enough and brave enough to buy smokes, you still had to go out to the country and drive on back roads to smoke them16. Social acceptance in town depended on the approval of the five old (but rich) hags that met each morning at the donut shop for the latest smut17. You were ever in the Homecoming parade18. You have ever gone home for Homecoming19. You fix up to go buy milk lest anyone starts the rumor that you have gained weight or quit taking care of youself20. No place sells gas on Sunday21. Friday nights fun consisted of standing in line for the one screen theater and since it was sold out, watching truckers and drinking coffee at the truck stop (the only place open after 10)22. You have to drive an hour to buy a pair of socks23. It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town24. You have ever gone for a walk in the cemetery, on a date25. You ordered your waredrobe out of a catalog26. You had senior skip day27. The whole school went to the same party after graduation28. The only 'clique' that nobody would be nice to was the skurves across the street30. You don't give directions by street names or house numbers, but you give directions by references (turn by Armstrongs' Liquor, go two blocks past Andersons', and it's four houses left of the track field)

How do you change a dishwasher into a snow blower? Give her a shovel!

From a little book called "Disorder in the Court". These are things that people actually said in court, word for word.

What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year.

What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

This myasthenia gravis--does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

How old is your son--the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years.

What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said:

- Where am I Cathy?

Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan.

And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and500.

Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: and, before the accident? A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or a cult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo.

Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes, sir. Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at?

Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Were you present when your picture was taken?

Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

How many times have you committed suicide?

She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls?

You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? A: I went to Europe, Sir. Q: And you took your new wifeQ: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

In downtown Roanoke, at a crowded bus stop, a good friend of mine was waiting for her bus. She's very attractive and was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time a big burly man that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned to the would-be hero screeching at him:

- How dare you touch me!! I don't even know who you are!

At this, the big guy drawled:

- Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends!