Situations — best jokes

Ask not for whom the bell tolls; let the machine get it.

On a busy day, on a busy corner, there is a big accident in which there is a victim. The man who has been injured request for a priest.

The police officer on the scene turns around and ask if there is a priest in the crowd. Nobody answers. The man still cryes out:

- A priest, a priest please.

The officer once again turns around and ask if there is a priest in the crowd. Suddenly, an old jewish rabby comes up and say:

- Officer, I'm a old 70 years old Rabbi, but I've lived for 20 years behind St. Patrick church. Every night I hear them in their prayers. Maybe I can help.

So the officer bring the Rabbi to the dying man. The Rabbi kneels down and addresses these following words to the dying man:

- B1-I18-N44-G56-O75

A LITTLE SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT:
Why was it that the Kamakazi pilots used helmets?

There were three guys waiting for a bus on a bench when the first guy farts, 'WHOOOSSHHHHH....' No one brought attention to it. Then suddenly the second guy farts, 'WHOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHH........' Again, no one thought anything of it until the third guy let one, 'PPPPPPPPUUUUUUHHHHHHHH...' The first two guys then looked at the third guy and simultaneously said, "STRAIGHT."

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

- Tree 1: Hey look, Mother Nature's coming!

- Tree 2: Look busy.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ... 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

A couple is doing yard work and the wife goes to take a shower. Her husband is looking for a rake and can't find it. He yells up to his wife:

- Where's the rake?

She replies by nodding her arms like she can't hear.

So he points to his eye (I), hits his knee (need), then makes raking motions.

She replies by pointing to her eye, grabbing her left breast, slapping her ass, then rubbing her crotch. He runs upstairs and says:

- What?!

She says:

- I left tit behind the bush.

There were two guys sitting in a plane. The one guy says lets play a game, I'll ask you a question if you get it right I give you 5 dollars.

So the other guy says fine if you get it right, I give you 50 dollars, if you get it wrong you give me 5.

The guy says ok.

He asks him what his name was the guy didn't know it so he payed him 5 dollars.

So the other guy asks what goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes down with 4.

He thinks and thinks but doesn't know so he pays him 50 dollars.

He asks what does go up a hill with 3 legs and comes down with 4.

The guy hands him 5 dollars.