Situations — best jokes

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.

- Is this yours? - he asked.

She said:

- Yes, could you bring it up? - and the man agreed.

On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed.

Shortly afterwards she said:

- I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to join me?

He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said:

- I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?

The man hesitated then said:

- Do you act like this with every man you meet?

- No - she replied - Only those who catch my eye!

It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl.

After a year she went into the hospital to give birth.

The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow. "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

He answered:

- You've got to keep that old motor running.

The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said:

- You really are amazing. How do you do it?

He again said:

- You've got to keep the old motor running.

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said:

- You must be quite a man.

He responded:

- You've got to keep that old motor running.

The nurse then said:

- Well, you had better change the oil, this one's black!

1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
4. People who want to share their religious veiws with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises & things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution & is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
11. Never lick a steak knife.
12. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
13. "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers."
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15. Your REAL friends still love you anyway.

IDIOT SIGHTINGS...

Sighting #1: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked:

- Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?

I said:

- If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?

He smiled and nodded knowingly:

- That's why we ask.

Idiot Sighting #2: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled:

- What on earth are blind people doing driving!

Idiot Sighting #3: At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said:

- this is fun. We should have lunch like this more often,

Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

Idiot Sighting #4: I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.

Idiot Sighting #5: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. I announced to the technician:

- Hey, it's open!

- I know - answered the young man.

- I already got that side...

Late one night a couple is driving down a country highway and run over an oppossum.

Knowing that mother oppossums often carry babies in their pouch, they decide to check out this poor animal. Sure enough there was a baby, so they decide to rescue it.

They take it into the car and continue down the road. The little oppossum is scared and squirming around like crazy so the wife asks her husband what she should do?

He thinks for a minute and says:

- Well it's used to being in it's mother's pouch. Maybe if you unbutton your jeans, and put it in "there" it will calm down.

She exclaims:

- I'm not going to do that! That thing is smelly and nasty!

The husband replies:

- Well, why don't you just hold it's little nose!

To make this work, do this as fast as you can and don't cheat!

Spell Fort 5 times
Say Fort 4 times
Spell Fort 4 times
Say Sort 3 times
Spell Fort two times
Say Fort once
Quick!...

What do you eat cereal with? (Scroll Down)
→ You're pretty weird...most people use a Spoon! :)

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.

Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.

Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of dollar bills and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.

The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers.

Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity.

- What on earth did you do that for? - shouts Frank.

- You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze!!!

Matt replies:

- What...and we weren't?

A three year old walked over to the pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.

He inquisitively ask the lady:

- why is your stomach so big?

She replied:

- Im having a baby.

With big eyes, he asked:

- Is the baby in your stomach?

She said:

- He sure is.

Then the little boy with a puzzled look asked:

- Is it a good baby?

She said:

- oh yes, its a real good baby.

With even a more surprised and shocked look he said:

- Then why in the world did you eat him?

A new jail warden was being shown through the jailhouse by the old warden. Soon, after making rounds around the rest of the jail, they get to the cafeteria. In one corner, he sees a group of elderly men laughing hysterically. Interested, he watches them while the older warden gets his food. One of the men shouts out "63!" and the entire table bursts out laughing. The new warden is totally baffled by the behavior of them. "74!", again a chorus of guffaws ring out. The old warden comes back to the table where the new warden sits staring, and the new warden asks "What are those elderly men doing." The old warden smirks, and says, "Oh, those are the life timers. They've been in here so long, they just number their jokes."

Meanwhile another one calls out "2!". Nobody laughs. The new warden leans over and asks, "What happened?" To this the warden replied, "Oh, he blew the delivery."

The young mother skeptically examined a new educational toy.

- Isn't it rather complicated for a small boy? - she asked the salesclerk.

- It's designed to adjust the tot to live in today's world, madam - the shop assistant replied....

- Any way he tries to put it together is wrong.