Situations — best jokes

It was July 4th and this guy was roasting a chicken on a rotisserie and had begun to hand-crank it to ensure all areas were evenly done. It was now getting golden brown and juices were causing some flames to lick the chicken as he turned it.

Just then, a drunk stumbled into the guy's yard, looked at the scene and exclaimed...

- Hey buddy, not only is your music box not making any music, but your monkey's on fire!

There are a lot of folks that can't understand how we ran out of oil here in the USA.

Well, here's the answer: It's simple. nobody bothered to check the oil.

Didn't know we were getting low. And of course the reason for that is geographical.

All the oil is in Alaska, Texas, and Oklahoma, and all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.

Here's a fun tongue twister.

Read the following list and then follow the instructions at the end.

Read it LOUD and REAL FAST...see if you can do it!

DON'T read the instructions until you get it right!!!

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is fool cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Did ya do it? Now go back up and read the third word in each line starting from the top to the bottom :)

A Texas cowboy got a visit from his cousin who lives in the east.

He thought he would show his city-slicker cousin a local Indian tribe so he could see how they were "one with the land".

The cowboy and his cousin come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. The cowboy stops and says to his cousin, "You see that Indian?"

- Yeah - says the city-slicker.

- Look - says the cowboy.

- he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction!

Just then the Indian looks up.

- Covered wagon - he says.

- about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon.

- Incredible! - says the cousin to the cowboy.

- This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. AMAZING!!!

The Indian looks up and says:

- Ran over me about a half hour ago.

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston.

One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.

The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said:

- I think I'll get up and get a coke.

- No problem - said the Soldier.

- I'll get it for you.

While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier's shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said:

- That looks good, I think I'll have one too.

Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier's other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston.

As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

- How long must this go on? - the Soldier asked.

- This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?

Two men were out hunting in the woods. One of them was a fanatical huntsman and he went hunting as often as he could.

The other was his friend who is a peaceful nature loving fellow, who didn't really want to hurt anything.

They had been out in the woods for some time, when they picked up the tracks of a deer. They soon caught up with it, and when they saw it, it was obvious why it had been so easy to catch up to - it had a terrible infection over it's left eye, which it couldn't even see out of.

The hunter started to take aim with his shotgun, but his friend begged him to stop:

- Hey! - he said.

- Can't you see that's a bad eye deer?

A scientist was successful in cloning himself, and was asked to speak at a national convention of cloning scientists. The meeting room was located on the 45th floor of a New York skyscraper.

- My fellow scientists - he began. But before he could utter another word, the clone jumped up and shouted:

- he's a &^^%@)&!

Apologizing for the interruption, the scientist began again:

- My fellow scientists,

Again the clone sprang to his feet and yelled:

- this dumb %@(&+! couldn't produce a copy on a Xerox. He's a fraudulent $3%$##+=!

Incensed, the scientist rushed to the clone, grabbed him, and threw him out of the window.

The crowd gasped and security rushed into the room. A short while later New York's finest arrived and the events that had transpired were explained to them. The police chief said to the scientist:

- We are going to have to arrest you.

The scientist replied:

- For what? You can't arrest me for killing a clone!

The attending scientists nodded in agreement.

- Well! - retorted the police chief.

He thought for a moment and ordered the scientist held for...

- Making an obscene clone fall...

A lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods.

Suddenly a little white duck, all covered with poop, crossed her path.

- Oh, my - exclaimed the lady.

- Come on, I'll clean you!

She took a Kleenex from her purse and cleaned the little critter. She walked a little farther and another duck, with poop all over it, crossed her way. Again she took a Kleenex and cleaned the little bird. Then she encountered a third duck, with the same problem.

And for the third time, she acted like a Florence Nightingale. She walked on still farther and she heard a voice from the bushes calling... Pssssst...

- Hey, lady!

- Yes? - she responded.

- Do you have a Kleenex? - asked the voice from the bushes.

- No, not anymore - she answered.

- Damn! Have ya' seen any Ducks?

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the lady behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yells:

- PULLOVER!

- NO - she yelled back over the sound of the siren:

- It's a SCARF!

Real courtroom transcipts...courtesy of real idiots. ( Oops! My brain just hit a bad sector. )

Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
→ No, I said he was shot in the LUMBAR region.

Are you married?
→ No, I'm divorced.

And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
→ A lot of things I didn't know about.

Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
→ No.

What was he doing with the dog's ears?
→ Picking them up in the air.

Where was the dog at this time?
→ Attached to the ears.

And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?
→ Oral.

How old are you?
→ Oral.

Do you drink when you're on duty?
→ I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
→ Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch- and she did!

Are you sexually active?
→ No, I just lie there.