Sex Jokes — best jokes

A guy leaves his place at the bar to go have a piss. He comes back about 10 Minutes later, sits down at the bar, muttering & swearing very softly.

The barkeep approaches the customer and asks what the problem is.

- Oh some son-uv-a-bitch snuck up behind me while I was at the urinal and put a gun to my head.

- Jesus Christ! What happened?

- He told me to give him a blow job or he'd blow my brains out!

- Yeah, then what?

- Well you didn't hear a gun shot, did you?

Little Johnny's dad is sitting on the side of the bed rolling on a condom about to give his wife some. Little Johnny sticks his head in the door, sees his dad and says, "Whatcha doin' Daddy?" Johnny's dad stoops over to cover up his dick and starts looking at the floor. "Oh, I'm just looking for this big rat I saw." he says. Little Johnny asks, "Whatcha gonna do, fuck it?"

While enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place. The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it. Finally, the spent young bloke rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.

Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the bloke begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?"

"No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered bloke.

Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation."

This elderly woman passed a police van loading up the girls from a local brothel, and as she passed by, she asked one girl what the lineup was for. the girl shrugged and said, jokingly, "cough drops" and snickered.

Just then the cop approached the old gal and said, "What are you doing here, m'am?"

The woman pulled herself up to her full height oF 4'4 and replied, "Well, I can suck em can't I?"

Man in a pub, "If you went camping and woke up in the morning with a bloody condom hanging out of your arse, would you tell anyone?" Other man, "Bloody hell, no!"

First man, "Want to come camping?"

Santa was delivering gifts as usual, when at one house a beautiful young woman was awaiting his arrival. She begged him to stay and cuddle with her on the couch.

Santa declined, saying "Ho-ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents, you know."

Trying again, the lovely young thing removed her clothing down to her underwear.

"OH Santa, won't you please stay?" she begged. Taking a long look, Santa sighed and delivered a not too believable, "Ho-ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know."

Not to be denied, this gorgeous female stripped off every stitch of remaining clothing, smiled and said in the sexiest voice imaginable, "Oh, Santa, please reconsider? Stay with me?"

With a very pained look on his face, Santa groaned and said very slowly, "Ho-ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know."

And with that, he turned and left. Two minutes passed, and Santa reappeared, plopping himself down on the couch next to the beautiful girl.

"Santa! You decided to stay!" she exclaimed gleefully.

Santa grinned and said "Hey - hey, gotta stay. Can't get up the chimney THIS way!"

A man walks into a jewellers shop, unzips his trousers and places his tool upon the counter. The lady serving says: "I'm sorry Sir, this is a clock shop not a cock shop." "Well, put two hands and a face on this." replies the man.

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband, John, was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend, Ralph, and she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway.

She yelled at Ralph: "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window my husband is home early!" Ralph looked out the window and said: "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there!" Mary cried: "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!" So the boyfriend grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window! When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race... so he started running along side the others -- only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.

One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?" Ralph answered, while gasping for air: "Oh yes, It feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."

The other runner then asked the nude man: "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?" Ralph answered breathlessly: "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

The runner then asked: "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" Ralph answered, "Only if it's raining."

A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer.

After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust.

He tells the young man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must be left out in the rain.

A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the woman in front of her family.

And no one says a word...! Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And still no one says a word...!!! Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table.

They have even wilder sex. But no one says a word...!!!!

By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out the Vaseline. And the father says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes."

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.

At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well... when I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"