Sex Jokes — best jokes

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for a weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip air ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, offering his credit card numbers, his driver's license number and his address but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have $15, get the hell out of my cab."

So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab back to the airport. Well, who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line. "How much for a ride to the airport?" he asked. "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?!! Get the hell out of my cab!"

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks."

The businessman said "OK" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver.

A cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When asked why had she left her previous employment, she replied, "Yes, sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked. Last night they played a game called Bridge and a lot of folks were there. As I was about to bring in the refreshments, I heard a man say, 'Lay down and let's see what you've got.' Another man said, 'I've got strength but no length.' Another man says to the lady, 'Take your hand off my trick!'

"I pretty dropped dead just then, when the lady answered, 'You jumped me twice when you didn't have the strength for one raise.' Another lady was talking about protecting her honor. Another lady said, 'Now it's time for me to play with your husband and you can play with mine.'

"Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving, I hope to die if one of them didn't say, 'Well, I guess we'll go home now. This is the last rubber.'"

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of babies"

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"

"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with"

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your, um......equipment?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we can get to work."

"Tripod?????"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

A bartender was getting ready to close for the night when a robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender, "This is a stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!" The scared bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!" The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!" The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a wife and kids! I'll do whatever you say!" The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartender's head and says, "Alright, now give me a blowjob!" "Anything!" cries the bartender, "Just don't shoot!" The bartender starts to blow the crook. As the crook gets excited, he drops the gun. The bartender sees the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it back to the crook and yells, "Hold the gun, damn it! One of my friends might walk in!"

The sales girl at the Pink Pussycat boutique didn't bat an eye when the customer purchased an artificial vagina.

"What are you going to use it for?" she asked. "None of your business," answered the customer, beet red and throughly offended. "Calm down, buddy," soothed the salesgirl. "The only reason I'm asking is that if it's food, we don't have to charge you sales tax."

A guy walks into a drugstore operated by a prudish woman. He asks, "Can I have a dozen condoms, Miss?" "Don't Miss me, mister." "Well then, you better make it 13."

Prostitute walks into a bar and asks the bar man for two Bacardi's and coke. Bar man serves her and notices that she drinks one and empties the other one down her panties. Now this happened another three times and the bar man was getting rather curious. The bar man nicely questions her and asks her why she is drinking one Barcardi and coke and throwing the other one down her panties. She replies, "I just won the lottery and that's the only cunt getting a drink out of me tonight!"

An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought he looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong. "I'm scared out of my mind," the stud replied. "Some pissed-off husband wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop fucking his wife." "So stop," the barkeep said. "I can't," the womanizer replied, taking a long swill. "The prick didn't sign his name!"

The first time I went to a drug store to buy condoms, I was waited on by a beautiful young woman. She asked what size I wanted and I said I wasn't sure. So she asked how big I was and I said, "Compared to what?" She held up one finger and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm bigger than that." Then she held up two fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm bigger than that." Then she held up three fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm about that big." She put the three fingers in her mouth and said, "You're a medium."

This guy goes to sperm bank to give a sample. So the girl At the front desk says to him: "Thank you for coming."