Sex Jokes — best jokes

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
11. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
12. See if they could finally do splits.
13. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
14. Cross their legs without rearranging.
15. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes BEFORE closing time.
16. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
17. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
18. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.

and, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina .

1. Finally find that damned G-spot!!!!!

A group of people were in a shipwreck and were stranded on an island.

The group consisted of 12 women and 1 man. After a few months, the women grew horny and it was decided that the man needed to take two women a day and they allowed him to have Sundays off.

One day on a day off, he was just relaxing when he noticed a boat nearing. He felt hopeful that maybe they would be rescued, at last.

The boat was almost to the island when the guy noticed it was a man in the boat. As he got out the first guy said "Oh my God buddy, am I ever glad to see YOU," To which the second guy responded "Well alright sweetie! It's been a long time for me too."

The first man exclaimed "Oh hell, there go my Sundays!"

There was this mexican who was walking down a beach when he found a bottle that contained a genie.

Well he rubbed the bottle and the genie said, "I'll grant you one wish".

So the mexican says - "ok, I wanna be white and I wanna be surrounded by a pussy".

The genie grants the mexicans wish...and turned him into a tampon!

This story occurred on Melbourne radio last week. One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win an overseas holiday. Last week the competition went like this:

- Presenter: Hey its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game?

- Brian: Yeah, sure.

- Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?

- Brian: Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.

- Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian?

- Brian: Hmmmmm .... about 10 minutes.

- Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it?

- Brian: Ohhhh , I can't say that.

- Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian!

- Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.

- Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife?

- Brian: Yeah, alright.

- Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you?

- Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.

- Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line, say hello.

- Sharelle: Hi Brian.

- Brian: Hi Sharelle.

- Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.

- Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.

- Sharelle: O.K.

- Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex?

- Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.

- Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.

- Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.

- Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle?

- Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.

- Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman.

- Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it?

- Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.

- Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.

- Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway.. just tell em.

- Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the ass!

Radio Silence

How do you break the nose on a blonde?
→ You put a dildo under a glass table!

This nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. When she looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So she thought to herself I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me.

So she went over to the machine and she put her nickel in and card came out and it said, Your a nun you weigh 128lbs and your going to Chicago Illinois. So she sat back down and thought about it, she thought to herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, I'm going try it again.

So she went over to the machine again and put her nickel in it, a card came out and said, your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill. and your going to play a fiddle. She said to herself I know that's wrong I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life. She sat back down and this Cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down she picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music. She looked back at the machine and said this is incredible I've got to try it again.

So she went back to the machine put her nickel in another card came out and it said, your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill. and your going to break wind. She thinks I know it's wrong now I've never broke wind in public a day in my life, well she tripped and fell off the scales and FARTED like a bay mule. So she sat back down and looked at the machine once again. She said to herself this is truly unbelievable, I've got to try it again.

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and a card came out and said, your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill. and your going to have sex. She said ah-hah that does it. I know for sure its wrong now, I'm a nun, ain't ever had none, and ain't ever gonna get none. Well a huge electrical storm came through and the electricity went off and she got raped... She sat back down and thought about it for few minutes and then said this is truly, truly, incredible. But one thing is for certain, I've got to try it again just to see what is gonna happen to me before I leave this airport.

She went over to the machine put her nickel in and a card came out and it said. Your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you have fiddled, farted, fucked around and missed your flight to Chicago!!!!!!!

A couple from earth has finally saved up enough money to take a vacation on mars (they could do that then). So they go to mars and meet a martain couple and start talking about they way they do things and come to the subject of sex. They decide to switch partners for the night to see what happens.

The human woman and the man martain go into a room and the martain strips but his thing is the size of a pencil (whoa), and the woman says, "um, how is this going to work?"

The martain man replies "Oh, not big enough? Okay then."

All of a sudden he starts slapping his forehead and his thing grows longer. "Um, that's good but isn't it still a little thin?"

"No problem," the martain man replies.

Then he starts pulling his ears and it grows wider.

The woman is amazed by this and they have wonderful sex.

The next day they meet and the human man asks his wife how it was and she said "Oh my, it was wonderful! How was your night?"

The man replied, "It was awful!! The martain woman kept slapping my forehead and puling my ears!"

There once was an old man from Trent,
Whose penis was crooked and bent,
And so to save trouble,
He put it in double,
And instead of coming, he went!

There once was a girl from Wenatch,
She tried to get it on with a match,
She got so excited,
The damn thing ignited,
And burned all the hair off her snatch!

What did the banana say to the vibrator??
→ Why the hell are you shaking? Shes gonna eat me!