Sex Jokes — best jokes

Do you know what an Australian kiss is?
→ It's like a French kiss, but down under.

In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.

No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.

Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you -- or holding you in his arms.

Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown -- if they're nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!)

In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds!

The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.

An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer!

A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.

In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job -- for men only -- called a corset inspector.)

However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."

It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.

Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.

Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.

In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.

A Florida sex law: If you're a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you can't parachute on Sunday afternoons.

Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio, a man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't!"

No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed.

In Las Vegas, Nevada: It's against the law to pawn your dentures.

In Natoma, Kansas; It's illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suites.

Idaho Falls, Idaho: If you're 88 years of age or older, it's illegal for you to ride your motorcycle.

In Vermont: It's against the law (not to mention impossible) to whistle under water.

In Alabama: It's illegal to play dominoes on Sunday.

In Barber, North Carolina: It's illegal for a cat to fight a dog (or vice versa).

In Clawson City, Michigan: It's illegal to sleep with chickens.

A pet rooster cannot say cock-a-doodle-do within the city limits of Mount Dora, Fl.

In Richmond, Va., you must buy a license for 93 cents to sell song books on the street.

The U.S. government says it's a crime to give false weather reports.

In Gary, Ind., you cannot go straight to the theater after eating garlic.

You can be fined $500 if you bother a butterfly in Pacific Grove, Ca.

In Maryland, a woman may not go through her husband's pockets while he is sleeping.

There is no horse racing allowed on the New Jersey Turnpike.

In Waterloo, Neb., barbers cannot eat onions between 7 a.m. and 7 p.m.

Donkeys are not allowed to sleep in bathtubs in Brooklyn, N.Y.

In New York, you can teach your pet parrot to speak, but not to squawk.

Cars are not allowed to scare horses in Centerville, Ohio.

On the books in Tennessee:

In Alamo: A person found intoxicated must be given a large dose of castor oil by a local doctor...and failure to gulp it down will result in a fine.

In Newport: It's against the law to tickle a girl under her chin with a feather duster in order to get her attention.

In Collierville: Keeping clean can be a chilly proposition, as a law there says all bathtubs must be kept in the backyard.

In Waverly: You better not let your horse near the tub, since horses are prohibited from sleeping in them, as well as in the house.

In Wartburg: The town strictly forbids single, widowed or divorced women from parachuting on Sunday!

It is against the law to have disco dance contests last more than eight hours.

It is against the law to call another person a coward if he refuses to duel.

New IRS Tax Policy
GOVERNMENT NOTICE
January 1, 1995
To: All Male Taxpayers
From: IRS
RE: Notice of Increase in Tax Payment Form 1040P

The only thing the IRS has not yet taxed is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of this, it has two dependents and both are nuts.

Accordingly, starting January 1, 1995 your penis will be taxed according to it's size. To determine your category, please consult the chart below and confirm this information on page 2, section 7, line 3 of your standard 1040 form.

• 12-10 inches -- Luxury Tax -- $50.00
• 10-8 inches -- Pole Tax -- $30.00
• 8-6 inches -- Privilege Tax -- $15.00
• 6-4 inches -- Nuisance Tax -- $5.00

Please Note:

• Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a full refund.
• Males exceeding 12 inches must file for Capital Gains.

Please do not request an extension

Sincerely,
Pecker Checker
Internal Revenue Services

What do you call a prostitute with her hand down her panties?
→ Self-employed!

Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms. They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly.

Imagine the trademarks:

• Nike Condoms: Just do It
• Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling
• Ford Condoms: The ride of your life
• Sony Condoms: Do not underestimate the power of Sony
• Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today?
• KFC Condoms: Finger Licking Good
• M&Ms Condoms: Melt in your mouth, not in your hands
• Coca-Cola Condom: The Real Thing
• Ever-Ready Condoms: Keep going and going
• Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple
• Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop

Usually everyone who has a dog would call the dog Rover or something. I call mine "Sex". Sex is a very embarrassing name, but I never knew HOW embarrassing until one day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for him. A police officer came along and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I was looking for Sex."

My court case comes up next Thursday.

One day I went to City Hall to get a license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted, I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too!" When I said "But this is a dog," he said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was two years old."

He replied, "You must have been a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole lifestyle revolves around Sex."

He said he did not want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in a church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having Sex there. The next day we were married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church.

My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and myself and a special room for Sex. The clerk said that every room in the Motel is for Sex. Then I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night", and the clerk said, "Me too."

One day I told my friend that I had Sex on TV. He said, "Show off!" I told him it was a contest, and he told me I should have sold tickets.

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married" and the Judge said, "Me too."

When I told him that after I was married Sex had left me, he said, "Me too."

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for. Why just the other day when I went for my first visit with the psychiatrist and she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"

I replied, "Well, Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and it's so lonely."

The doctor said, "Look Mister, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Why not get yourself a dog?"

A woman and her daughter go to the store to get the daughter a Barbie. At the store, the daughter asks the lady working at the store if Barbie comes with Ken.

She replies, "Oh no, Barbie only cums with GI Joe, she just fakes it with Ken."

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this - When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"

A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth on the front porch. Slowly they rocked in rhythm, as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace.

Suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed her cane, and with a loud and hard WHACK hit her husband across the shins.

His eyes watered and tears ran down his cheeks. When he finally caught his breath he gasped and asked, "What'd you do that fer?"

"That's fer fifty years of bad sex," she said.

He nodded his head, but said nothing. Slowly they began to rock again. Again they kept pace. Back and forth, back and forth they rocked, until suddenly the man stopped, and picked up his cane. He reached over and with a loud, sharp WHACK, he hit his wife across the shins.

As soon as her eyes quit watering and she could speak she asked, "What was that fer?"

"That," said her husband as he began to rock again, "is fer knowin' the difference!"

10. Could our relationship be more physical?? I'm tired of being just friends.
11. Go ahead and leave the seat up. It's easier for me to douche that way.
12. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
13. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
14. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away. The holes in the armpit are just to too cute.
15. This diamond is just way too big.
16. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
17. Wow!! It really is 14 inches.
18. Does this make my butt look too small??
19. I'm wrong, you must be right again..