Sex Jokes — best jokes

A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69".
"What the hell is that?" asks the guy.
Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain, "I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine." Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try it. The second they get in to the position, she lets go a rip-roaring fart.
"What was that for?" he asks. "Oops! Sorry, lets try it again." she says. So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose. The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on. "Wait, where are you going?" she asks. The guy says, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!"

Two teenagers wander off to the bushes during a softball game on the outskirts of town and start necking.
After a while the boy stops. "You know we've been doing this for a few weeks now and I think it's time we went all the way," he pleads.

"Well, maybe," she says, "But I'm a virgin and I heard it hurts. Besides all those people at the field may hear us." The boy stops and says, "Hmmm, well then if it hurts, start making cow sounds, and I'll stop. But if it feels good start singing. That way no one will ever guess what we're really doing." The girl agrees so they quickly take off their clothes and get down to business. Ten minutes later people watching the game hear sounds echoing through the quiet countryside so loudly that the teams stop playing.
"Moooo ..... Moooooo ...... Moooooooon River .......!"

A Deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf. Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a five dollar bill next to it. The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf-mute, and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language. "Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."

How do you know you're leading a sad life?
→ When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
→ Hold unto your nuts-This is no ordinary Blow Job!

What did the banana say to the vibrator?
→ "I don't know why you're shaking...she's gonna EAT me!"

What are the two greatest lies?
→ "The check is in the mail," and "I promise I won't cum in your mouth."

What's long, hard, and has semen in it?
→ A submarine!

What did the egg say to the boiling water?
→ "It might take me a while to get hard I just got layed last night."

Why did the condom cross the road?
→ Because it was pissed off.