School — best jokes

A teacher in New York City wanted to see how many animals the city kids in her fourth-grade class could identify. She drew a picture of a cow on the blackboard and said, "Who can tell me what this is?" A little girl raised her hand. "Yes, Janie, what do you think it is?" "It's a cow, teacher." "Very good, Janie," said the teacher. Then she drew a picture of a pig, and a little boy answered correctly. She drew several other barnyard animals and was unable to stump the class.

Finally, she decided to try something a little more difficult. She drew a stag with a large spread of antlers. The kids just stared, but nobody offered an answer. "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "What does your mommy call your daddy when she's trying to be 'lovey-dovey'?" Instantly, little Johnny raised his hand and said, "ooh, ooh!, I know, Teacher. It's a big horny bastard!"

A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, Mary, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'" Sally raised her hand and said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'" Little Johnny raised his hand.

The teacher hesitated because Johnny was notorious for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him. Johnny said loudly, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons." The teacher said, "That was good, Johnny. However, you did not use the word 'fascinate' in your sentence." Little Johnny continued, "But her boobs are so big, she can only fasten eight!"

Billie and Tillie were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him!"

1. Silence, the final frontier - Where no woman has gone before.
2. The undiscovered side of Banking - How to make deposits.
3. Combatting the Imelda Marcos Syndrome - You don't need new shoes everyday.
4. Learn how not to inflict your Diets on other people.
5. Nag Nag Nag - how to overcome your tendency to be a fish wife.
6. An invitation to a party does not mean that you have to have a new outfit.
7. Man Management - Discover how the garbage can wait until after the game.
8. Personal Space - Leaving at least enough space in the bathroom cupboard for your partners toothbrush.
9. Valuation - Just because it's not important to you.
10. Communication Skills I - Tears as the last resort and not the first.
11. Communication Skills II - How to think before speaking.
12. What he really wants - Is buying the right razor blades so difficult.
13. Driving a car safely - A skill you can also acquire.
14. Real women drink their share at a party.
15. Telephones - How to hang up.
16. Parking - Beginners Course.
17. Parking (Advanced) - Reversing into a parking space.
18. The Natural Habitat of the Towel - Why they prefer the floor.
19. Managing your weight - It's not water retention, it's fat.
20. Learning to cook I - Bran in not food.
21. Learning to cook II - Bringing back bacon and eggs.
22. Compliments - How to accept them gracefully.
23. PMS - Your problem, not his.

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following four elements: Religion, Royalty, Sex, and Mystery.

The prize-winning essay read: "My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.

"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.

"That is the talking clock", the man replied.

"How's it work?" the friend asked.

"Watch", the man said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.

Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall... "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU IDIOT! It's two o'clock in the morning!"

A new two year degree is being offered at Life University...

Becoming a Real Man!

That's right, in just six terms, you too can be a real man.

Please take a moment to look over the program outline:

First Year

Autumn Schedule

• MEN 101... Combating Stupidity
• MEN 102... You too can do housework
• MEN 103... PMS - Learn when to keep your mouth shut
• MEN 104... We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas

Winter Schedule

• MEN 110... Wonderful Laundry Techniques
• MEN 111... Understanding the female responses to getting in at 4 a.m.
• MEN 112... Parenting: It doesn't end with conception
• MEN 113... Get a life, learn to cook

Spring Schedule

• MEN 120... How NOT to act like an asshole when you're wrong
• MEN 121... Understanding your incompetence
• MEN 122... You, the weaker sex
• MEN 123... Reasons to give flowers

Second Year

Autumn Schedule

• SEX 101... You CAN fall asleep without it
• SEX 102... Morning Dilemma: If it's awake, take a shower
• MEN 201... How to stay awake after sex
• MEN 202... How to put the toilet seat down

Winter Schedule

• MEN 210... The remote control: Overcoming your dependencies
• MEN 211... How NOT to act younger that your children
• MEN 212... You too can be a designated driver
• MEN 213... Honest - You don't look like Russel Wong - Especially naked

Spring Schedule

• MEN 220... Omitting @#%! from your vocabulary
• MEN 221... Fluffing the blanket after farting in not necessary
• MEN 222... Real men ask for directions
• MEN 223... Thirty minutes of begging is not considered foreplay

A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die and go to heaven.

When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who then says, "Sorry, heaven's crowding up, so you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in."

He looks at the teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?"

"Oh, that's easy," the teacher replied, "the Titanic." So St. Peter let her into heaven.

Next he turned to the petty thief. "How many people died on that ship?" St. Peter asked. "Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and it was 1,500." St. Peter stepped away and the thief walked into heaven.

Finally, St. Peter turned to the lawyer.

He simply said to him: "Name them."

- Hubby: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

- Wife: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

- Hubby: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

- Wife: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

- Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.

- Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.

- Girl: Well, that's because we aren't married yet!

- Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.

- Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.

- Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap!

- Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"

- Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."

- Wife to husband: "What? At 2 a.m.?!"

- Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"

"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"

- Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."

- Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

- "How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.

- "Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up his 1932 Rolls Royce."

- "Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"

- "He was the original owner!"

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin."

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told these men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned un-opened."

A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans".

- "My father grows beans," said one student.

- "My father cooks beans," said another.

- Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."

- Teacher: Let's take the example of the busy ant. He is busy all the time, works all day and every day. Then what happens?

- Little Johnny: "He gets stepped on."

- Interviewer to Millionaire: "To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire to?"

- Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."

- Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"

- Millionaire: "A Billionaire!"

• I will not carve gods.
• I will not spank others.
• I will not aim for the head.
• I will not barf unless I'm sick.
• I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
• I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
• I will not conduct my own fire drills.
• Funny noises are not funny.
• I will not snap bras.
• I will not fake seizures.
• This punishment is not boring and pointless.
• My name is not Dr. Death.
• I will not defame New Orleans.
• I will not prescribe medication.
• I will not bury the new kid.
• I will not teach others to fly.
• I will not bring sheep to class.
• A burp is not an answer.
• Teacher is not a leper.
• Coffee is not for kids.
• I will not eat things for money.
• I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.
• The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.
• I will not call the principal "spud head".
• Goldfish don't bounce.
• Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
• No one is interested in my underpants.
• I will not sell miracle cures.
• I will return the seeing-eye dog.
• I do not have diplomatic immunity.
• I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
• I will never win an emmy.
• The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
• All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
• I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause.
• I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
• My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
• I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
• I am not deliciously saucy.
• Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
• The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan".
• I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
• There are plenty of businesses like show business.
• Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
• I will not waste chalk.
• I will not skateboard in the halls.
• I will not instigate revolution.
• I will not draw naked ladies in class.
• I did not see Elvis.
• I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes".
• Garlic gum is not funny.
• They are laughing at me, not with me.
• I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom.
• I will not encourage others to fly.
• I will not fake my way through life.
• Tar is not a plaything.
• I will not Xerox my butt.
• It's potato, not potatoe.
• I will not trade pants with others.
• I am not a 32 year old woman.
• I will not do that thing with my tongue.
• I will not drive the principal's car.
• I will not pledge allegiance to Bart.
• I will not sell school property.
• I will not burp in class.
• I will not cut corners.
• I will not get very far with this attitude.
• I will not belch the National Anthem.
• I will not sell land in Florida.
• I will not grease the monkey bars.
• I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment.
• I will not do anything bad ever again.
• I will not show off.
• I will not sleep through my education.
• I am not a dentist.
• Spitwads are not free speech.
• Nobody likes sunburn slappers.
• High explosives and school don't mix.
• I will not bribe Principal Skinner.
• I will not squeak chalk.
• I will finish what I sta
• "Bart Bucks" are not legal tender.
• Underwear should be worn on the inside.
• The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
• I will not torment the emotionally frail.