Religion — best jokes

An old man is sitting at a table with his son and his new grandson.

The old man looks at his son and asks...

"Son, have you found out what that boy of yers is gonna be yet when he grows up?"

The man curls his eyebrows and asks "huh?"

The old man gets up and says "wait right here."

About five minutes pass and the old man comes back with a bottle of beer, some poker playing cards, and a bible.

The old man lines up the three items in front of the infant and looks at the man and says: "Ok, here's how it works...

If the boy grabs the beer he's gonna be a drunk.

If he grabs the cards he's gonna be a gambler.

If he grabs the bible he's gonna be a preacher."

The baby stares at the items for a moment.

He then reaches out and grabs all three items.

The old man shouts...

"HOT DANG SON - HE'S A DEMOCRAT!"

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams - "this is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you...

What the hell did you think I said?"

The teacher put two baskets of treats on her desk, a basket of apples and a basket of cookies.

She told the students to each take only one treat.

Next to the basket of apples was a sign: Take only one, God is watching.

As one little boy reached over to take a cookie, the boy next to him said, "Take all you want, God's watching the apples"!

One day a boy came walking home from school. On the way home he saw a creek. He quickly jumped in, clothes and all. When he arrived home completely soaked his dad asked, "Son what happened?"

"I jumped in that creek down the road."

"Why did you do that?"

"I dunno."

His dad was very angry and said, "If you jump in that creek again, just because, I'm gonna tan that hide - just because! Is that clear?"

"Yes dad." replies his son.

The next day, the boy came home walking from school, and sure enough when he saw that creek, he jumped right on in.

When he went home, his dad knew what had happened and asked, "Didn't I tell you not to jump in that creek again?"

"Yes dad, but Satan told me to do it!"

His dad, being somewhat religous, decided to give his son the benefit of the doubt and tells him - "Next time Satan tells you to do something like that, say 'Satan get thee behind me in the name of Jesus'."

"Ok dad." replied the son.

Well the next day after school, the boy was walking across the bridge, and well you know the rest. He came home again soaked.

His dad said, "I thought I told you what to say when you came to that creek!"

"I said what you told me dad, and when I did, Satan pushed me in!"

NEWS FLASH - GOD ANNOUNCES THE 11TH COMMANDMENT!

During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of Ex-President Clinton has brought about the need for an eleventh commandment.

They worked long and hard in a brain-storming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten. They began their brain-storming and came up with the 11th.

After many revisions, they finally agreed that the eleventh commandment should be: "Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."

The Hunchback of Notre Dame croaks so they need to find a new bell-ringer.

A guy with no arms comes along and says he can do it.

"But you've got no arms... you can't do this job!" says the church leader.

The new applicant shouts back - "Sure I can... I'll do it with my mouth!" So the church hires him and he starts his bell-ringing duties the next day.

He begins ringing the bell using only his mouth, but the bell is so heavy, it tosses him out the window to the ground and splatters him dead.

He's lying dead on the ground and a big crowd gathers around him.

"Who is that guy?" one person says.

"I don't know," says another, "but his face sure rings a bell..."

One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."

The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."

The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I'll give you the $2."

As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business!"

An old couple were sitting in their living room on a Sunday morning watching a religious program.

The preacher on this show would go to all the people in the audience and asking them what they wanted fixed, then he would have them cover the part of their body they wanted fixed.

Many of the people were elderly so they were covering their eyes and hearts. Then the preacher said "Ok now for you at home put your hand on the part of your body you want fixed and say this prayer with me."

So the little old lady put her hand on her heart, because she had a very bad heart. And the little old man put his hands on his crotch.

The little old lady turned to her husband and said "He said he could heal the sick, not raise the dead!"

With the hunchback still dead, and his no-armed replacement still dead, the church leader still needs a bell ringer. He posts a sign outside the church and another no-armed man shows up to take the job.

The frustrated church leader says, "The last no-armed guy died trying to ring this bell, what makes you think you can do it?" The no-armed man says, "I've been without my arms since birth and therefore have much more experience. Besides, I desperately need the job to feed my family."

The church leader, feeling sorry for the man, says, "OK give it a try."

And, as expected, the no-armed man tries to pull the rope with his teeth, stumbles and falls to his death.

The church leader rushes down to the sidewalk just as a policeman arrives. The policeman says, "OK, this is two deaths in two days. Does anybody know who this guy is?"

The church leader says, "I'm sorry, I didn't ask, but he's a dead ringer for the guy who was in here yesterday!"

As Time Goes By - A Brief History Lesson...

3050 B.C. - A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the week, the idea is stolen and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby establishing the business ethic for all times.

525 B.C. - The first Olympics are held, and prove similar to the modern games, except that the Russians don't try to enter a six-footer with a moustache in the women's shot put.

214 B.C. - Tens of thousands of Chinese labor for a generation to build the 1,500 mile long Great Wall of China. And after all that, it still doesn't keep the neighbor's dog out.

1 B.C. - Calendar manufacturers find themselves in total disagreement over what to call next year.

432 - St. Patrick introduces Christianity to Ireland, thereby giving the natives something interesting to fight about for the rest of their recorded history.

1297 - The world's first stock exchange opens, but no one has the foresight to buy IBM or Xerox.

1456 - An English judge reviews Joan of Arc's case and cancels her death sentence. Unfortunately for her, she was put to death in 1431.

1607 - The Indians laugh themselves silly as the first European tourist to visit Virginia tries to register as "John Smith".

1755 - Samuel Johnson issues the first English Dictionary, at last providing young children with a book they can look up dirty words in.

1770 - The shooting of three people in the Boston Massacre touches off the Revolution. 200 Years later, 3 shootings in Boston will be considered just about average for a Sat. Night.

1805 - Robert Fulton invents the torpedo.

1807 - Robert Fulton invents the steamship so he has something to blow up with his torpedo.

1865 - Union Soldiers face their greatest challenge of the war: getting General Grant sober enough to accept Lee's surrender.

1912 - People with Reservations for the voyage of the Titanic get their money back.

1934 - As if the Great Depression weren't giving business enough headaches, Ralph Nader is born.