Religion — best jokes

The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "Noah, in six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark." And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark.

"OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, "I'm your man."

"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You better have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long, long time!"

Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark.

"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is My ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark's construction, but your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a fire-sprinkler system."

"My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board."

"Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the Ministry of Natural Resources that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls."

"Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind."

"Just when the suit got dismissed, Environment Canada notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being."

"Then, the Conservation Authority wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe!"

"Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission over how many minorities I'm supposed to hire."

"Revenue Canada has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the province that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the ark in less than five years."

With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy the world?" he asked hopefully.

"No," said the Lord, "the government already has!"

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. He's allowed to say only two words every 7 years.

After the first 7 years, the elders bring him in and ask him for his 2 words.

"Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. 7 more years pass and they bring him in for his 2 words. He clears his throat and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. 7 more years pass and they bring him in for his 2 words. "I quit," he says.

"That's not surprising," the elders say... "You've done nothing but complain since you've been here!"

A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesn't know what to do. He goes to the Rabbi to seek his advice.

He tells the Rabbi about all of his problems in the business and asks the Rabbi what he should do.

The Rabbi says, "Take a beach chair and a Bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out and open it up. The wind will riffle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the first words your eyes fall on and they will tell you what to do."

The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a Bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens the bible. The wind riffles the pages of the Bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the Bible and his eyes fall on words which tell him what he has to do.

Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Rabbi.

The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, the wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the Rabbi a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the synagogue in order to thank the Rabbi for his wonderful advice. The Rabbi is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what words in the Bible brought this good fortune to him.

The man replies: "Chapter 11".

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary K. and said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o'the brandy."

"Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, " I could never do that! I have never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"

"Oh Jack, she responded, it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped, "It helps her constipation, you know." So Jack sold her the brandy.

Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine? And she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering.

Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! and you told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"

Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied, "And so it is, me lad, so it is...
When she sees me, she's gonna crap herself!"

Jesus walks upon a crowd with an adulteress crouching in a corner with a mob around her preparing to stone her to death.

Jesus stops them and says, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!"

Suddenly a woman at the back of the crowd fires off a stone at the adulteress and blasts her right in the head.

At which point Jesus looks over and says...

"Mother! Sometimes you really TICK ME OFF!"

Here's a list of some cute letters kids have written to God:

Dear GOD:
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have? - Jane

Dear GOD:
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. - Larry

Dear GOD:
If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. - Mickey

Dear GOD:
I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. - Nan

Dear GOD:
In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? - Jane

Dear GOD:
I read the Bible. What does "beget" mean? Nobody will tell me. - Love, Alison

Dear GOD:
Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? - Lucy

Dear GOD:
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? Anita

Dear GOD:
Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma

Dear GOD:
Who draws the lines around the countries? - Nan

Dear GOD:
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil

Dear GOD:
What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -Jane

Dear GOD:
Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if You did, then I'm going to fix my brother. - Darla

Dear GOD:
Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. - Joyce

Dear GOD:
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend, (But I am not going to tell You who I am)

Dear GOD:
Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. Tom L.

Dear GOD:
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Bruce

Dear GOD:
If we come back as something else, please don't let me be Mary Horton - because I hate her. - Denise

Dear GOD:
If you give me a genie like Aladdin, I will give You anything You want, except my money or my chess set. - Raphael

Dear GOD:
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. - Sam

Dear GOD:
You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. - Dean

Dear GOD:
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. Ruth M.

Dear GOD:
I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying - Elliott

Dear GOD:
Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best. - Rob

Dear GOD:
My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they? - Marsha

Dear GOD:
I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. - Love, Chris

Dear GOD:
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it So I bet he stole your idea. - Sincerely, Donna

Dear GOD:
The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land, you fool." But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. - Eddie

Dear GOD:
I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already. - Charles

Dear GOD:
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool. - Eugene

A lady on an airliner was reading her bible. The man sitting next to her gave a little chuckle and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"

"Of course I do. It is the Bible." the lady replies!

"Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?" he asked.

"Oh, Jonah ... Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible." she replied.

"Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" he asked.

"Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him." said the lady.

"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.

"Then YOU can ask him." replied the lady!

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked. "Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" "Noooo, I have not, Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher... "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following four elements: Religion, Royalty, Sex, and Mystery.

The prize-winning essay read: "My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"

Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly their wives thought of them.

The first guy said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's incredible!"

The second guy says, "That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm God!"

"She thinks you're God? What makes you say that?"

"Easy...
Every night she places a burnt offering before me!"