Religion — best jokes

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car.

They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...."

To which his father replied... "Yes, you're right...and they also WALKED every where they went!"

15 actual announcements taken from church bulletins:

1. Don't let worry kill you- let the church help.
2. Thursday night- potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery upstairs.
5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7. Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
8. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
9. Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.
10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
15. At the evening service tonight the sermon topic will be "What is hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by God...

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, it if will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

"I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of BEAUTIFUL women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"

"Fine," said God, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God.

"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going?" he asked Bill. Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches, the beautiful women playing in the water????!"

"Oh, that?...

That was a DEMO," replied God.

A protestant moved into a completely Catholic community. Being good Catholics they welcomed him into their community. But, also because they were good Catholics they did not eat red meat on Fridays. So, when their neighbor began barbequeing some juicy steak on Friday night, they began to squirm.

They were so annoyed that they went to talk to him about it. After much talk they conviced him to become Catholic. The next Sunday he went to the priest and the priest sprinkled holy water on him and said:

You were born Protestant.
You were raised Protestant.
But now you are Catholic!

And so, the next Friday, as the neighbors sat down to eat their fish, they were disturbed by the smell of roast beef coming from the neighboring house. They went over to talk to the new Catholic because he knew he was not supposed to eat beef on Fridays. When they saw him, he was sprinkling ketchup on the beef saying:

You were born a cow.
You were raised a cow.
But now you are fish!

On the sixth day God turned to the angel Gabriel and said "Today I am going to create a land called Canada.

It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty - it shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, and beautiful sparkly lakes bountiful with carp and trout. There shall be forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."

God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."

"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"

"No, not really." God replied...

"Just wait and see the neighbours I am going to give them!"

Caught napping at work, school, or church...try this one.

Guaranteed to work!

Just pick your head up real fast and say:

"...in JESUS' name...

AMEN!"

(he-he...how can they yell at you for this :)

ADDENDUM: For some reason, it won't work in a Synagogue?

Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve

10. God worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
11. God knew that Adam would one day require someone to locate and hand him the TV remote.
12. God knew that Adam would never go out and get himself a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would, therefore, need Eve to go get one for him.
13. God knew that Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
14. God knew that Adam would never be able to remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
15. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
16. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
17. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
18. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"

And finally, the number ONE reason that God created Eve...

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head, and said, "I can do better than THAT!"

A man called to testify at the Revenue Canada, (Canada's IRS) asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the Revenue Canada?!"

"Simple", replied the Priest...

"It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"

Actual bloopers found on church bulletin boards:

• Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
• Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
• Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
• Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Taylors. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
• The peace-making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
• The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.
• The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
• Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
• The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.
• Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine.
  Name: Bertha Belch.
  Announcement: "Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa."
• Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals."
• Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.
• The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge, Now Up Yours!"
• The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
• Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the rear entrance.
• Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the recreation hall.
  Come out and watch us kill Christ the King!

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded.

"You're the only woman on earth!"

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve!