Religion — best jokes

There was once this guy and a girl in a car, parked neatly on Makeout Ridge, and they were, well, doing the obvious. So, here they were, naked as jay birds, when the guy suddenly says: "I need a cigarette."

"But honey," his lover says. "The store closes in two minutes. You'll never have time to get to the store, and get dressed."

"That's okay," He quips. "I'll just run down there naked, and if anyone sees me, I'll pretend I'm a statue."

So the young man ran down to the store, got two packs of cigarettes (this store was obviously in a heavy nudist area or something), and starts to run back. The car is in sight, and he has a few more yards to go, when all of the sudden three nuns round the corner. He panics, and freezes like a statue, his beloved cigarettes in one hand.

The first nun walks over to the young man. "Oh! What a beautiful cigarette dispenser!" She exclaimed. She sticks a quarter up his ass, pulls on his dong, and he drops a pack of cigarettes in utter disbelief.

The second nun strolls over. "What an interesting cigarette dispenser! I must try it, too." She sticks a quarter up the young man's ass, chokes his chicken, and he drops the other pack of cigarettes.

The third nun was the unimpressed sort. She strode up, stuck a quarter up the young man's ass, and yanked his monkey. Nothing happened. She pulled on his Element of Adam again. Nothing happened. She tried third time, and her eyes widened with sudden realization and surprise.

"Oh, I get it! A lotion dispenser!"

There are two guys walking in front of a large church. One guy says to the other, "Just a minute, I'll be right back."

He goes into the confessional and says, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I have had two extramarital affairs." The Father says, "You need to say 40 Hail Marys, and I also need to know if the women were members of my parish."

The confessor replies, "Yes Father, they were."

The priest says then that in order to receive absolution he, the priest, needed the names of the two women.

The man said, "Father, I don't kiss and tell, and besides, I must leave them to handle their own confessions."

The priest responded, "Well, was one of them Mrs. O'Reilly?"

The man replied, "No Father, and I wouldn't say anyway. I've told you that!"

The priest says, "Well, was one of them Mrs. Brown?"

Exasperated the man said, "No Father, and I told you I'm not telling you the names of the women!!!"

The priest said, "Well then I'm going to expel you from the congregation for 6 months!" The man said, "OK, fine." and left.

As he approached his friend at the bottom of the steps his friend said, "So, how did it go?"

The confessor said, "Great! 6 months off, and two leads!"

A man out playing golf slices off into the woods. When he goes to find the ball he discovers a witch (hat and all) stirring a cauldron. So out of curiosity he asks her what she is brewing.

"A magic potion" she replies.

"Well what does it for" he asks. "This potion will make anyone an excellent golfer."

At this he gets really excited and asks if he can have some. She is agreeable but warns him that it will have dire consequences on his sex life.

After a short period of soul searching he decides to try the potion.

He goes back to the golf course and completes an excellent game of golf. Next he challenges the golf pro and beats him easily. He spends every possible moment of the next year playing golf at every course he manage to get to and having a wonderful time of it. After a year he finds himself back at the same course where he found the witch. Out of curiosity he slices one into the woods so he can talk to her.

"Well", she asks, "How has your game been?"

"Great! This has been the best year of my life. I have played all over the country and never lost a game."

"And how about your sex life?"

"Oh, not bad."

"Really? This stuff can really ruin a guys sex life. Say, how many times did you have sex last year?"

"Hmmmm, it was three, no, four times."

"And you call that not bad?"

"Not for a priest with a small parish."

Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Great Gate, Saint Peter was waiting for him. After rewieving his records Saint Pete decided to let him in. "Follow me" he said, opening the gate and walking in.

After some walk, Saint Pete's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing. Saint Pete was furious.

"If you do that again, You'll go straight to hell! But follow me, we're almost there."

After some more walk, Pete dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Pete was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.

Again they walk and for the third time Pete drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him. Pete is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.

A few weeks later, Saint Pete goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass of.

"Why is it so god damn cold down here?" Pete asks.

"Well you just try bending down for firewood!!" The devil replied.

Mike Tyson and OJ head to the Vatican to meet the pope and get absolved of all of their sins. While waiting for the pope to arrive Mike is eating nuts and throwing the shells on the floor. OJ gets a little agitated and decides to go for a stroll.

He comes back to find the Pope standing in front of Mike giving him the sign of the cross, ( Up - Down - Left and right).

OJ runs up to Mike and says - "Did the Pope bless you and forgive you for your sins???"

Mike replies - "No, he said - 'You (Up) pick up those nuts (Down), get that Nigger (Left) and get the fuck out (Right).'"

The joke sounds alot better if you can make the sign of the cross to the person you are telling the joke to.

The first book of the Bible is Guiness, in which Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night.

The Jews had trouble throughout their history with the unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apolstles.

Unleavened bread is bread made without ingredients.

Moses went to the top of Mt. Cyanide to get the 10 commandments.

The seventh commandment is "thou shalt not admit adultery"

Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

David fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

The people who followed Jesus was called the 12 decibles.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opposums was St. Matthew.

Paul preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.

Three doctors died and went to the Pearly Gates to be interviewed to see where they would end up. St. Peter asked the first one what he did on earth, and he said he was an obstetrician. St. Peter asked what an obstetrician did and the doc told him.

"Sounds pretty good; okay you can go in to Heaven."

The second doc said he was a pediatrician and had to explain what that involved. St. Peter said, "Sounds very useful, very good--you can go in too."

The third doc said he was the chief man in charge of a whole HMO conglomerate.

"Well, what's that?" asked St. Peter.

So the doc told him exactly what that involved.

"Sounds very important, very useful. You can go in too."

So the third doc goes in the Gates and starts to walk up the stairs. St. Peter turns and calls after him, "Oh, by the way, you can only stay three days."

Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question.

They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were linked together. They asked the question, "IS THERE A GOD?"

Suddenly there was a loud crash, and in a brilliant explosion of silicon and plastic the computers fused into what appeared to the scientists to be one large computer in place of the many smaller ones. One of the scientists raced to the printer as it finally output its answer.

"There is now", read the printout.

A man walks into a shul with a dog. The shammas comes up to him and says, "Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you can't bring your dog in here."

"What do you mean," says the man, "this is a Jewish dog. Look."

And the shammas looks carefully and sees that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel round its neck this dog has a tallis bag round its neck.

"Rover," says the man, "daven!"

"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipa and puts it on his head.

"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck.

"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven.

"That's fantastic," says the shammas, "absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to Hollywood, get him on television, get him in the movies, you could make a million dollars off of him!!"

"You speak to him," says the man, "He wants to be a doctor."

Net News - The Vatican has no gone on line with its own interactive website.

The site is said to offer meany great new features including a downloadable picture of Jesus Christ which will bounce around your screen after a preset length of time.

It has been christened the 'screen saviour'........