Religion — best jokes

What do you call a gay Jewish person?
→ A He-Blew!

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

It seems God noticed Adam was despondent. So the Lord God said, "Adam, come over here and sit down!". And Adam did so.

"Adam," spoke the Creator, "I see your countenance is fallen and you seem to feel rotten and lonely." Adam said nothing in response. "So," continued the Lord, "I am going to create an alternate person who will be with you!" Adam just looked puzzled but interested. "This person," said the Lord, "will take all the raw and tasteless food that you are currently ruining and will prepare wonderful, spicy, and tasty dishes." Adam looked grateful. "This person," said the Lord, "will be beautiful to behold and graceful and interesting to watch as she walks." Adam looked thoughtful. "This person," emphasized the Lord, "will be able to satisfy all those dreams that you currently are having!" Adam really looked relieved. "And, lastly," said the Lord, "She will obey your every whim and desire and order with cheerfulness." Adam was really impressed and finally spoke.

"O.K., Lord, but what is this going to cost me?" "An arm and a leg," said the Almighty.

"Well," Adam then said, "What can I get for a rib?"

A robber was shinning his torch around at some objects. "Jesus is watching you," a voice said

"Huh?, oh well," the robber said and continued shinning his torch.

"Jesus is watching you," the voice continued. The robber shined his torch to were the voice came from and found a parrot.

"Oh, it's you," the robber said.

"I'm just trying to warn you," the parrot said.

"Oh, that's nice," the robber said, pretending to be scared, "what's your name?"

"Moses."

"Moses? What kind of idiot would call a parrot Moses?"

"The same kind of idiot that would call a rottweiler Jesus!"

Mother Mary held her daughter, 20 minutes under water.

Not to save herself from troubles, but just to see the funny bubbles!

Do you know why David killed Goliath and then decapitated him?
→ He wanted to get a-head!

TOP TEN WAYS YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN A BAD CHURCH

10. The church bus has gun racks.
11. The church staff consists of Senior Pastor, Associate Pastor and Socio-pastor.
12. The Bible they use is the "Dr. Seuss Version."
13. There's an ATM in the lobby.
14. Choir wears leather robes.
15. Worship services are B.Y.O.S. -- "Bring Your Own Snake."
16. No cover charge, but communion is a two-drink minimum.
17. Karaoke Worship Time.
18. Ushers ask, "Smoking or Non-smoking?"
19. The only song the organist knows is "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida."

How do you get holy water?
→ Boil the hell out of it!

A terrible flood hit a small town, sending the rescue units out. It just so happened that a devoutley religioius woman lived in this town when the flood hit, and she sat down to wait for God to save her.

When the first rescue boat came in the worker called for her to come out but she just shook her head and said "Thank you, but my God will save me." Shaking his head the rescue worker moved on. The waters rose and she climbed to the second story of her home to wait for God.

A second boat came by and the worker called out "Listen lady we've got to get you out of here!" Once again she thanked him profusely and said "My God will save me."

The waters rose a third time forceing her to her roof. The water was just closing around her ankels when a third boat came by. "Lady, I'm the last boat out if you don't come now you're going to die." She just smiled "My God will save me" she said quietly. Frustrated the worker moved on.

The waters rose once again leaving her standing on her chimney. She heard a huge rukus above her head and when she looked up she saw an emergency helicopter. "This is it lady, you have to come now or we won't be able to save you." Still she refused to go.

The waters rose a final time dragging her under and she was drowned. When she got to heaven, the Lord asked her if she had any questions, and in a timid voice she replied.

"You said if I followed you, you would always save me. Why didn't you save me from that flood?" God looked at her in shocked disbelief and said: "My child I sent three boats and a helicopter for you... What else did you want!"

And once again the low self-esteem therapy group meets here at the Salvation Army Hall next Tuesday at 3.00 P.M. Remember that we prefer if you would use the back entrance.