Religion — best jokes

Why did the Jews wander in the desert for forty years?
→ Somebody dropped a shekel.

Do you know why the baby Jesus wasn't born in Iowa?
→ They couldn't find three wise men!!!

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for seven days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him. He inquired of God, "Where were you?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds; "Look my child, look what I've just finished making." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" God replied, "It's another planet, but this time, I've decided to put LIFE on it. I've named it earth and there's going to be a balance between evertyhing on it.

For example, there's North America and South America. North America is going to be rich and South America is going to be poor, and the narrow bit joining them - that's going to be a hot spot.
Now look over here.
I've put a continent of white people in the North and another one of black people in the South."

And then the archangel said, "And what's that long white line there?"
And God said, "Ahhh that's the land of the long white cloud - Aotearoa - (New Zealand) that's a very special place. That's going to be the most glorious spot on earth; Beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. These people here are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be fond of travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieveing. And I'm going to give them this superhuman, undefeatable rugby team which will be blessed with the most talented, and charasmatic specimens on the planet, and they will be admired and feared by all who come across them." Michael the archangel gasped in wonder and admiration but then seeming startled proclaimed, "Hold on a second, what about the BALANCE, you said ther was going to be a balance....."

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the neighbours I'm going to give them."

The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What is it, child?"

The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

Once there was a church that had a bell that no one could ring. One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. So the boy went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell, face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The shocked priest gave him the job. But one Sunday, he ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed and fell off the tower and died.

"Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? Because I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."

What animals were last to leave the ark?
→ The elephants as they had to pack their trunks!

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward him. "Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in oil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers.
Staring at it for a moment, she leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

- Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm God.

- When did this start?

- Well, first I created the sun, then the earth.

What's the difference between a nurse and a nun?
→ A nun only serves one God.