Relationships — best jokes

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME______________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________HEIGHT____________ WEIGHT_____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________SOCIAL SECURITY #____________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES_____________________________HOME ADDRESS__________________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP_____Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent?__________ If NO, explain_____________________________________________________________________________________________Number of years married________If less than your age,Explain__________________________________________________________________________________________________Do you own a van?_____ A truck with oversized tires?_____ A waterbed?__________ A pickup with a mattress in the back?______A condom?______ Pornography?_______ Do you have earring, nose ring,or a belly button ring?________ A tattoo?___________(IF YES TO THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES)In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to you?_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Church you attend______________________________________ How often you attend_______When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, andpriest?_____________Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential. (that means I won't tell anyone EVER)A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be__________________________________________________________B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my __________________________________________________________C: A woman's place is in the__________________________________________________________D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is__________________________________________________________E: When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is__________________________________________________________NOTE: if answer E begins with T or A, discontinue. Leaving premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.

What do you want to do IF you grow up__________________________________________________________________________What is the current going rate of a hotel room?_______________Condoms come in A: 3 B: 6 C: 9 D: 12 E: ALL OFTHE ABOVE(circleone)I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN HAND TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE._______________________________________Signature (that means sign your name moron)Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury) If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might watch your back).

Many many years ago when I was twenty three,I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughterWho had hair of red.

My father fell in love with her,And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-lawAnd changed my very life.

My daughter was my mother,For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse,Although it brought me joy,I soon became the fatherOf a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then becameA brother-in-law to dad.

And so became my uncle,Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,Then that also made him brotherTo the widow's grown-up daughterWho, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son,Who kept them on the run.

And he became my grandson,For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's motherAnd it makes me blue.

Because, although she is my wife,She's my grandmother too.

If my wife is my grandmother,Then I am her grandchild.

And every time I think of it,It simply drives me wild.

For now I have becomeThe strangest case you ever saw.

As the husband of my grandmother,I am my own grandpa!

This couple out on a date get a flat tire while driving along on a snowy night. They guy gets out to change the tire, but he doesn't have any gloves so before long he gets back in the car with the job half-done, his hands blue from the cold.

"Put your hands between my legs to warm them up," offers his gal. So he does, then gets out to finish the job.

It's so cold, however, that he has to come back one more time to warm his hands, again between her legs.

Finally, he finishes the job and gets back into the car, and is about to put the keys into the ignition when she asks, "Aren't your ears cold too?"

A young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriend had proposed but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell.

"Marry him anyway, dear," the Mother said. "Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is."

"I'm going fishing."
→ Really means "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Let's take your car."
→ Really means "Mine is full of beer cans and burger wrappers and is completely out of gas."

"Woman driver."
→ Really means "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
→ Really means "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."

"It's a guy thing."
→ Really means "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
→ Really means "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
→ Really mean absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

"Good idea."
→ Really means "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."

"Have you lost weight?"
→ Really means "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"My wife doesn't understand me."
→ Really means "She's heard all my stories before and is tired of them."

"It would take too long to explain."
→ Really means "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
→ Really means "The batteries in the remote are dead."

"I got a lot done."
→ Really means "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late."
→ Really means "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Hey, I've read all the classics."
→ Really means "I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

"You cook just like my mother used to."
→ Really means "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
→ Really means "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
→ Really means "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
→ Really means "Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
→ Really means "I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me."
→ Really means "You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie."
→ Really means "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"That's women's work."
→ Really means "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Will you marry me?"
→ Really means "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"Go ask your mother."
→ Really means "I am incapable of making a decision."

"You know how bad my memory is."
→ Really means "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you and got you these roses."
→ Really means "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Football is a man's game."
→ Really means "Women are generally too smart to play it."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
→ Really means "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house."
→ Really means "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
→ Really means "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
→ Really means "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
→ Really means "What did you catch me at?"

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
→ Really means "You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"She's one of those rabid feminists."
→ Really means "She refused to make my coffee."

"But I hate to go shopping."
→ Really means "Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
→ Really means "You may actually get it to start."

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
→ Really means "I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."

"I heard you."
→ Really means "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
→ Really means "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
→ Really means "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present."
→ Really means "It was Free Ice Scraper Night at the ball game."

"I missed you."
→ Really means "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
→ Really means "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
→ Really means "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious."
→ Really means "I like you more than my truck."

"I recycle."
→ Really means "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
→ Really means "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night."
→ Really means "I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."

"It's good beer."
→ Really means "It was on sale."

"I don't need to read the instructions."
→ Really means "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
→ Really means "If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
→ Really means "Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."

"I broke up with her."
→ Really means "She dumped me."

25 rules for Women to follow:

1. Sports Center starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister. Do not bother me!!
2. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game DO, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
3. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew, Banana Republic or the local Patagonia store.
4. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
5. Butthead is the smart one.
6. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
7. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
8. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship."
9. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
10. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.
11. Socks never constitute a gift.
12. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.
13. We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.
14. We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.
15. Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act.
16. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to make the movie "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."
17. Curley is the bald one.
18. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.
19. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.
20. It is neither in your interest nor ours to take The Quiz together.
21. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.
22. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation is not.
23. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.
24. No, you can't have the remote control.
25. If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort.

After years of marriage, Ole and Lena found themselves in bed one night. Lena leaned over to Ole and said, "Ole, have you ever been unfaithful during all our years of marriage?"

"Not even once!" exclaimed Ole. "Lena, have you ever been unfaithful?"

"Well, er, yes --- but only three times," she admitted somewhat embarrassed.

"Hmmm, three times?" questioned Ole. "That's not so bad. Do you remember those three times? Can you tell me when?"

"Well, Ole, do you remember when you wanted to build the store and you had a hard time getting approval from the City Council?" asked Lena. "That was the first time."

"And, do you remember when you wanted to build an addition, but had to get the okay from the building inspector?" she asked. "That was the second time."

"OK, Lena, when was the third time?" queried Ole.

"The third time was..." Lena paused. "Do you remember when you were running for president of the Sons of Norway and you needed 125 votes?"

OPERATOR, WE'VE BEEN DISCONNECTED: Florida State Senator John McKay has resigned from the Senate Regulated Industries Committee, which oversees such monopolies as the phone company, after his wife charged in a divorce proceeding that McKay had been having an affair with the lobbyist for the Sprint telephone company. (AP)

John, that's not what Ma Bell meant by "Reach Out and Touch Someone".

A woman that was on her death-bed turned to her husband telling him he should get married soon after she'll die, to which the man said "OK".

Then she told him that he may bring the new wife to her home. "OK," said the man. "And you may give her my silver." "OK," said he. "You will also give her my jewelry." "OK," said the man. "And you will also give her my dresses," said the woman. "This will not be possible," answered the man, "you see, you are size 8 and she is size 10."

Bad: You can't find your vibrator.
Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.

Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse: You're in it.

Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.

Bad: Your husband's a cross dresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.

Bad: Your son's involved in Satanism.
Worse: As a sacrifice.

Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: To enter a convent.

Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting.
Worse: She implicates you.

Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: You're arrested.
Worse: By your husband.

Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing camos and has an AK-47.

Good: The secretary said "yes."
Bad: Your wife says "no."

Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad: Sexually.
Worse: He's gay.

Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: So did the postman.

Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.

Good: You get a three-day weekend.
Bad: You get the flu on Friday.

Good: You get tickets to the theatre.
Bad: It's performance art.

Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.

Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.
Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.

Good: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas."
Bad: For real.

Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right".
Bad: Your son, that is.

Good: Your daughter's on the Pill.
Bad: She's eleven.

Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Bad: She weighs 350 pounds.

Good: Your son's doing extra credit work.
Bad: Making a sex ed video.

Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune.
Bad: It's counterfeit.

Good: Your wife bought a porn video.
Bad: Your daughter's the star.

Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Bad: You live downtown.

Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad: She's coming home.

Good: Your wife's kinky.
Bad: With the neighbors.
Worse: All of them.