Random joke from this category
The Minnesota Fish and Game Comission wanted to develop a fish that would offer more for their sportsmen so they crossed a Coho with a Walleye and called it a Kowal.
It grew to a nice size and reproduced well but it wouldn't bite. They crossed the Kowal with a Muskie and called it a Kowalski but it was so stupid they had to teach it how to swim.
Two nuns riding down a cobbled road on bicycles. First one says to the other, "I've never come this way before."
Other nun says, "Neither have I. It's probably the cobbles."
A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice.
Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied.
Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."
A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
My father carries around the picture of the kid that came with his wallet.
I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "do you think we'll ever find them? He said, "I don't know kid, there are so many places they can hide.
How To Shower Like A Man:1 - Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.2 - Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo" sound.3 - Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch your "privates" and smell your fingers for one last whiff.4 - Get in the shower.5 - Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).6 - Wash your face.7 - Wash your armpits.8 - Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.9 - Wash your privates and surrounding area.10 - Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.11 - Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).12 - Make a shampoo Mohawk.13 - Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.14 - Pee (in the shower).15 - Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.16 - Partially dry off.17 - Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.18 - Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.19 - Leave bathroom fan and light on.20 - Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.21 - Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
Once upon a time in a place where little sperms grow, there was a super jock sperm who spent all his time working out. He did things like lifting weights and running, his most important duty. All the other sperm were very curious about his pastimes.
"Why do you keep working out all the time," they asked.
"Well," he said, "Of all us sperms, only one of us is going to make it to the egg. And that is going to be me." Well, the other sperms just floated around waiting for the day to cum (pardon the expression). And it did, and they were off! All those sperms racing along and far out in front of them was the super jock sperm, racing so fast and so hard (ha HA ) that they couldn't see him any more, but they still kept cumming.
Alas, then, away in the distance, they heard a loud piercing scream. They still kept cumming though.
And then very shortly the super sperm appeared, screaming with all his might, "Go back, Go Back! IT'S A BLOW JOB!"
What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?
A rash of good luck.
What is the difference between a brown-noser and a shit-head?
Depth perception.
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?
One snatches watches and the other watches snatches!
A widow was feeling rather lonely and decided that the best thing forher would be to have a companion. So, off she went to the pet shop.
She wasn't sure just what kind of pet she'd like, so she figured she'djust walk around until she found just the 'right one.' She went pastthe adorable little puppies, past the playful kittens, past thepreening birds, past the sleeping hamsters, past the whirling gerbils,and past the colorful fish.
Nothing really appealed to her and seemed to be just what she waslooking for. She decided to go around the store again.
On the way over to the puppies, she walked by a barrel. At the bottomof the barrel was a rather nasty looking toad. When she looked in, heWINKED at her! Our poor widow just shook herself! She couldn'tbelieve it. She rather quickly went back to the other pets ondisplay.
Once again, she checked out those sweet little puppies, the darlingkittens, the fluttering birds, the fuzzy hamsters, the sleek gerbils,and the darting fish. Nothing really, really did it for her. She wasstarting to get discouraged. So, she figured one last time around,just in case she missed something.
Going by the barrel again, she took another peek. There was thatnasty toad, and this time, he puckered up & threw her a kiss!!
This was almost too much for the poor widow and she just aboutran over to the other pets.
She tried hard to find just the right one to take home with her, butnot one of those cute puppies or silky kittens or chirping birds orgolden hamsters or skinny gerbils or fancy fish seemed right for her.
Totally discouraged by now, the widow decide to go home.
On the way out of the shop, she had to walk past the barrel again. Asshe furtively peeked in, the toad just gave her the most beseechinglook, and he had a little tear on the corner of his eye. He evensniffed a bit. This was too much for our widow, she started headingfor the exit in a hurry.
All of a sudden it struck her that this poor toad was probably just aslonely as she was. Not only that, but he was so ugly that no onewould probably buy him, especially not with all the other nice petsavailable.
So up to the counter she marched, told the salesperson she'd take thetoad, but requested that he be put in a sturdy box. When she got toher car, she placed the box on the seat next to her and proceeded todrive home.
As she was driving along, she heard some scratching coming from thebox. She tried to ignore it for a bit, but then thought that the toadmight need some air, so she opened the box a bit. (What could ithurt?)She would glance over at the toad from time to time, and he keptwinking at her and throwing her kisses. She finally thought,"oh heck, what could it hurt?" and she leaned over and KISSED him!
And POOF! He turned into a HANDSOME PRINCE!!!
And do you know what our poor widow turned into?
The first motel she came to!
