Military Jokes — best jokes

What do you do if a blond throws a pin at you?
→ Run like hell - he's still got a hand-grenade between his teeth.

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."

The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Shemya, Alaska. The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, "Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!"

And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether. "Now watch," he said. Next he said, "Dick, ten-HUT!" And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said, "Dick, at EASE!" And his dick deflated again.

"Wow, that was amazing," said his wife. "Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It's really something else!"

The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished. So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy's full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said, "Now watch this."

Then he said "Dick, ten-HUT!" And the dick sprang to life. Then it was "Dick, at EASE!" But nothing happened. So the guy again said, "Dick, at EASE!" But still nothing happened. So the guy now says, "For the last time, you son-of-a-bitch, I said AT EASE!!" Still nothing.

Well, the guy was embarassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating.

"What in the world are you doing?" she asked.

The guy says, "I'm givin' this son-of-a-bitch a dishonorable discharge!"

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

New Polish navy has glass bottom boats, to see to the old Polish navy.

How do you sink a polish battleship?
→ Put it in water!

An army Major visiting the sick soldiers, went to one private and asked, "What's your problem, Soldier?"

- Chronic syphilis, Sir.

- What treatment are you getting?

- Five minutes with the wire brush each day.

- What's your ambition?

- To get back to the front, Sir.

"Good man," said the Major.

He went to the next bed, "What's your problem, Soldier?"

- Chronic piles, Sir.

- What treatment are you getting?

- Five minutes with the wire brush each day.

- What's your ambition?

- To get back to the front, Sir.

"Good man," barked the Major.

He moved to the next bed, "What's your problem, Soldier?"

- Chronic gum disease, Sir

- What treatment are you getting?

- Five minutes with the wire brush each day.

- What's your ambition?

- To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir!

Three Americans died overseas in the war. The General of the three was sent to each of the houses to inform their spouses.

He went to the first man's house and told the man's wife of the tragic news. She cried for a moment and the General asked her what she wanted to do with his body.

"Well," she said, "he loved to fish so I would like to have his body creamated and his ashes spread over the lake so he can be forever with his fish." And it was done.

The General went and informed the second man's wife. She too cried and was then asked what was to be done with his body. She said, "Well, he loved to hunt, so I think it would be great if we could have him creamated and have his ashes scattered over the forrests so he can be forever with the creatures that he loved so much."

The third man was gay. The General was a little hesitant but proceeded in telling the man's husband the bad news. The man cried and screamed for well over an hour and then finally calmed down enough to hear the General's question.

"What would you like to do with his body?"

The gay man reesponded, "Well, my husband was a good man, but he was not very outgoing. He didn't like to do anything outside the house. He was the best lover I ever had. He was amazing in bed. He loved my chili too. I loved him so much. Well, the only logical thing to do is to have his body cremated, make some chili for dinner, throw his ashes in, and let him burn my ass up one more time!"

What is the maggot army called?
→ The Apple Corps!

What goes eek, eek, bang?
→ A mouse in a minefield!